We are 8 weeks-ish away from having this baby. Driving home in the car today I realized a few things and promptly began to cry. I haven't cried in the car for a while now. Part of it is hormones, but part of it is this.
I will not be a writer. There are many reasons for this, a lot of them my fault, a lot of them outside of my control. Having one child has drained me, having two may suck me dry. I like having things, and to have things you must have money, and to have money you must work a steady gig. These are the practical points. I also seem to lack motivation, drive. And fear of failing has paralyzed me. These are the things inside me that I can't seem to push aside.
I may retire to writing. But it won't be the same. It will be the cliche, which I will find annoying and dissatisfying. My kids may not even know it's something I ever wanted.
I am 33 and I will not be a writer. I will continue to work a job that I love enough. I will raise my children feeling a little resentful and thus a lot guilty. I will have moments of inspiration that I let sweep on by because I know I'll never build on them, or because I'm too afraid to. I will continue to have a great life with a fantastic partner, but I will continue to feel unsatisfied. But I realize and will try to remind myself that I am not lacking in anything - having things is not going to fill the space that my inaction has left.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, November 19, 2012
Some regrets there...
I probably shouldn't have been so flippant about that kitten dying, because then, she up and died. I was so sure she wouldn't die, and then she did, and I was sad.
The same day the kitten died, I peed on a stick and found out I was pregnant. So, there's that.
I still haven't taken photos of the finished deck project, but it turned out pretty amazing.
Simon has been recently very ill. He seems better, although we still have no clue exactly what made him so sick. After two weeks of blood tests, urine tests, xrays, ultrasounds, medications, IVs and hospitalization all I know is that he's better. And thinner. But I'm so glad he's home.
After Little Lemon kitten died, we finally did adopt a little male kitten. His name is Lenny. This is him a few weeks after he came home to us. He's fun and silly and a pain in the ass, as kittens are, and we love him. Tess and Simon love him too, and Marlowe really gets a kick out of him. I think he's a pretty great addition.
The same day the kitten died, I peed on a stick and found out I was pregnant. So, there's that.
I still haven't taken photos of the finished deck project, but it turned out pretty amazing.
Simon has been recently very ill. He seems better, although we still have no clue exactly what made him so sick. After two weeks of blood tests, urine tests, xrays, ultrasounds, medications, IVs and hospitalization all I know is that he's better. And thinner. But I'm so glad he's home.
After Little Lemon kitten died, we finally did adopt a little male kitten. His name is Lenny. This is him a few weeks after he came home to us. He's fun and silly and a pain in the ass, as kittens are, and we love him. Tess and Simon love him too, and Marlowe really gets a kick out of him. I think he's a pretty great addition.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Deathcab for Kitten
We got a new kitten. She is sweet and friendly and social and happy and the reason we got her is because she was full of parasites and her previous owner wanted to euthanize her. At 14 weeks old. For bugs.
Bugs don't bother me, and I happen to work in a vet clinic, so we had her release the kitten to us there. Then the kitten had a little stay in our contagious ward while she completed her treatment for the giardia parasites that her little gut was full of. I wanted to bring her home so badly. Every single day I hummed and hawed over whether I should bring her home yet. I worried that she may infect Simon, and then we would have double diarrhea on our hands. So I waited.
She was home for 3 days, and the loveliest of kittens ever. She ran around and played fetch with the cat toys Simon has been ignoring for....his whole life. She snuggled. She didn't hiss at Simon, nor at Tess. Simon didn't hiss at her. Things were going great.
Then on the third day she was home I came home and found a vomit in the bathroom where she spent the day while we weren't around. And she hadn't eaten anything. Not eating is alarm bell agent zero one hundred percent serious get thee to the vet post haste sign number one. I tried to coax her into eating all evening, and when we went to bed I said "if she hasn't eaten in the morning she is going back to work with me." To which SB replied "this kitten is going to die."
Turns out she almost did, but not quite. Little kitten now has Panleukopenia which she most likely caught while she was staying in our contagious ward because I didn't want to deal with the small chance of a little extra diarrhea at our house.
She had a fair day Friday, a really terrible, on death's doorstep day yesterday, and things are looking brighter today. I'm hoping the outlook is good. The team at my clinic is being overwhelmingly generous with their time and knowledge - I am finding it extremely frustrating how little I can take part, and had a very hard time trusting them enough to leave her there on Friday. But I see the looks on their faces when they see her doing well, and I know they are taking as much joy from her rallying as I am. I know they are invested in her outcome too.
She doesn't have a name yet. I have been calling her Little Lemon Kitten for the last three days. I think that's a pretty sour name for such a sweet little being, so I'm trying to think of something better for her to come home from the hospital with.
Bugs don't bother me, and I happen to work in a vet clinic, so we had her release the kitten to us there. Then the kitten had a little stay in our contagious ward while she completed her treatment for the giardia parasites that her little gut was full of. I wanted to bring her home so badly. Every single day I hummed and hawed over whether I should bring her home yet. I worried that she may infect Simon, and then we would have double diarrhea on our hands. So I waited.
She was home for 3 days, and the loveliest of kittens ever. She ran around and played fetch with the cat toys Simon has been ignoring for....his whole life. She snuggled. She didn't hiss at Simon, nor at Tess. Simon didn't hiss at her. Things were going great.
Then on the third day she was home I came home and found a vomit in the bathroom where she spent the day while we weren't around. And she hadn't eaten anything. Not eating is alarm bell agent zero one hundred percent serious get thee to the vet post haste sign number one. I tried to coax her into eating all evening, and when we went to bed I said "if she hasn't eaten in the morning she is going back to work with me." To which SB replied "this kitten is going to die."
Turns out she almost did, but not quite. Little kitten now has Panleukopenia which she most likely caught while she was staying in our contagious ward because I didn't want to deal with the small chance of a little extra diarrhea at our house.
She had a fair day Friday, a really terrible, on death's doorstep day yesterday, and things are looking brighter today. I'm hoping the outlook is good. The team at my clinic is being overwhelmingly generous with their time and knowledge - I am finding it extremely frustrating how little I can take part, and had a very hard time trusting them enough to leave her there on Friday. But I see the looks on their faces when they see her doing well, and I know they are taking as much joy from her rallying as I am. I know they are invested in her outcome too.
She doesn't have a name yet. I have been calling her Little Lemon Kitten for the last three days. I think that's a pretty sour name for such a sweet little being, so I'm trying to think of something better for her to come home from the hospital with.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Stripping
We have encountered our very first shitty homeowner project. And boy is it shitty.
The first owner of our house installed a beautiful, gigantic, multi-level deck. It's gorgeous. Here is a view from the pool area. (With Tess for a little something interesting)
The second owners of the house were seriously delinquent in their external upkeep. The roof needs work, the gardens were completely overgrown and the deck is in serious need of refinishing. Serious need. Here is a photo that lets you see how bad the floor of the deck was:
(Note in this photo we are doing what we love to do best: eating and drinking poolside. Even before the pool was open.)
So about four weeks ago I decided it was time to get our act together and refinish the deck. And because we weren't at all partial to the orange cedar color alongside our beige siding, we decided it was the best idea to strip the old stuff off and start new with whatever colors we wanted.
Dudes I want to kill myself for having this idea.
All the products say they are "easy to use". But no, I'm here to tell you they are bitch ass awful. And dangerous. I narrowly escaped losing both eyes and have the chemical burns to prove it (not to mention the burns on my arms, even though I DID wear protective gloves).
The bending. The stretching. The squatting. The sweating. I even climbed a ladder in my flip-flops, which if you know me, you know this means business.
After working at it a little at a time over the last few weeks, we decided this weekend we would blitz and get this thing done. At least the stripping part. Then the deck could dry and we could apply some color.
I'm here to tell you that after swearing and yelling and sweating and sunburning and chemical burning and muscle pulling and more yelling there are no after photos because IT'S STILL NOT DONE.
If I ever tell you our deck needs re-done please do me a favor and come over in the dark of night and light it on fire.
The first owner of our house installed a beautiful, gigantic, multi-level deck. It's gorgeous. Here is a view from the pool area. (With Tess for a little something interesting)
So about four weeks ago I decided it was time to get our act together and refinish the deck. And because we weren't at all partial to the orange cedar color alongside our beige siding, we decided it was the best idea to strip the old stuff off and start new with whatever colors we wanted.
Dudes I want to kill myself for having this idea.
All the products say they are "easy to use". But no, I'm here to tell you they are bitch ass awful. And dangerous. I narrowly escaped losing both eyes and have the chemical burns to prove it (not to mention the burns on my arms, even though I DID wear protective gloves).
The bending. The stretching. The squatting. The sweating. I even climbed a ladder in my flip-flops, which if you know me, you know this means business.
After working at it a little at a time over the last few weeks, we decided this weekend we would blitz and get this thing done. At least the stripping part. Then the deck could dry and we could apply some color.
I'm here to tell you that after swearing and yelling and sweating and sunburning and chemical burning and muscle pulling and more yelling there are no after photos because IT'S STILL NOT DONE.
If I ever tell you our deck needs re-done please do me a favor and come over in the dark of night and light it on fire.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Home Home Home
Well helloooooo there.
I have been writing semi-regularly over at the Mama blog. I have not been writing here. But fear not, as this is not the only writing I am neglecting. I haven't written a spot of fiction...hmmmm..since the kid was born. I've been antsy about it lately. I need some alone headspace, which doesn't exist anymore. My head is full until I'm alone, and I'm only alone in the car. Driving. To work. We'll figure it out.
But this post isn't about my woes, this post is about how summer is here and how HOLY EFF our house is awesome. We "garden" (loose term, there, because I wouldn't call what I do gardening so much as Hacking At the Old Stuff that's Planted There), we mow.
We play, we lounge, we clean the pool, we swim, we chase the toddler, we chase the dog/cat.
We have discovered that we basically live at a cottage. A lovely, fully functional cottage with our own private oasis. Marlowe plays with rocks and watches beetles and points to the trees and the sky. We hear frogs singing in the forest at night.
I think we love living here. It's easy to say that after only six months, but it has been pretty great. It makes the toils of the week worth it. Especially when you can sneak in a 6pm schoolnight swim.
I have been writing semi-regularly over at the Mama blog. I have not been writing here. But fear not, as this is not the only writing I am neglecting. I haven't written a spot of fiction...hmmmm..since the kid was born. I've been antsy about it lately. I need some alone headspace, which doesn't exist anymore. My head is full until I'm alone, and I'm only alone in the car. Driving. To work. We'll figure it out.
But this post isn't about my woes, this post is about how summer is here and how HOLY EFF our house is awesome. We "garden" (loose term, there, because I wouldn't call what I do gardening so much as Hacking At the Old Stuff that's Planted There), we mow.
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| M in the hammock she got me for Mother's Day |
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| J'Accuse |
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| Marlowe's first dip in her pool |
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| Trying to convince Tess she likes to swim in the pool |
We have discovered that we basically live at a cottage. A lovely, fully functional cottage with our own private oasis. Marlowe plays with rocks and watches beetles and points to the trees and the sky. We hear frogs singing in the forest at night.
I think we love living here. It's easy to say that after only six months, but it has been pretty great. It makes the toils of the week worth it. Especially when you can sneak in a 6pm schoolnight swim.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Hey there you
Heyo there.
I may not be posting here much, but I assure you I am alive and kicking. I have been posting most often on the Mama Blog, because it's for Mama things and I don't have a whole lot else to talk about these days. Which in and of itself I guess is a whole thing.
We moved in January, and I love our new home. I commute to work each day, which is tiring, but we live in the country and it's peaceful and quiet and OH SHIT IT'S ALMOST BUG SEASON. I'm sure we'll be fine. I love being itchy.
I have not been running enough. But a little is better than not at all. I love running in our neighborhood. Again, it's peaceful and quiet, and there are enough routes to keep things interesting. M loves it too, and even with my earphones in I can hear her doodling and deedling the whole time.
I have not been writing at all. Except the blog, which is something I love to write, but not what I want to be writing, you know.
Work is amazing. Things are very different than when I left, but still fantastic.
I can't really complain. Except for the fact that there is not enough time for anything. Ever. There is always something that has to be sacrificed. Such is life.
I may not be posting here much, but I assure you I am alive and kicking. I have been posting most often on the Mama Blog, because it's for Mama things and I don't have a whole lot else to talk about these days. Which in and of itself I guess is a whole thing.
We moved in January, and I love our new home. I commute to work each day, which is tiring, but we live in the country and it's peaceful and quiet and OH SHIT IT'S ALMOST BUG SEASON. I'm sure we'll be fine. I love being itchy.
I have not been running enough. But a little is better than not at all. I love running in our neighborhood. Again, it's peaceful and quiet, and there are enough routes to keep things interesting. M loves it too, and even with my earphones in I can hear her doodling and deedling the whole time.
I have not been writing at all. Except the blog, which is something I love to write, but not what I want to be writing, you know.
Work is amazing. Things are very different than when I left, but still fantastic.
I can't really complain. Except for the fact that there is not enough time for anything. Ever. There is always something that has to be sacrificed. Such is life.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
I'm the same but different.
Things I have always been:kinda snarky. Very deadpan. Sarcastic. Often judgmental. Generally rational. Scientifically-minded. Potty-mouthed.
Things I am now:
open. Calmer. Probably more sensitive. Definitely less judgmental. More thoughtful. Less impulsive.
Things I will (likely) never be:
Spiritual. Whimsical. Laissez-faire.
I'm sure a lot of people will attribute it to the fact that I have a child, and that having a child changes everything. I hate that idea. I feel like it may have been a catalyst for some things, but that my life and my outlook on it didn't essentially change just because I gave birth. Yes, things have changed, but I refuse to believe that I have changed that much.
The thing is, my core beliefs have always been the same. I think religion sucks. I think a lot of people suck. I believe in good energy (some may call it karma) and bad energy, and using the universe to make change. I believe in climate change and taking small steps to change it. I believe in balance, and seeing the good and bad parts of everything. These are things that have not changed.
Maybe having a kid just allowed me the time to see all these things about myself, and see how they relate to the world around me. Maybe meeting other moms of like minds and exploring their ideas too is helping me to be more myself. Or maybe in having her I was able to finally carve out a piece of the world that I sort of understand and can wrap my head around and find interesting. Even a year later I am still obsessed with birth and pregnancy and have a craving to know more about it.
I know one thing that has changed for sure: my outlook on life in general is a lot more positive than it has notoriously been. Maybe it's a reaction to not wanting to believe I had this kid for nothing, that there are good things for her to experience. Probably it's more likely that my drugs just really do work.
Things I am now:
open. Calmer. Probably more sensitive. Definitely less judgmental. More thoughtful. Less impulsive.
Things I will (likely) never be:
Spiritual. Whimsical. Laissez-faire.
I'm sure a lot of people will attribute it to the fact that I have a child, and that having a child changes everything. I hate that idea. I feel like it may have been a catalyst for some things, but that my life and my outlook on it didn't essentially change just because I gave birth. Yes, things have changed, but I refuse to believe that I have changed that much.
The thing is, my core beliefs have always been the same. I think religion sucks. I think a lot of people suck. I believe in good energy (some may call it karma) and bad energy, and using the universe to make change. I believe in climate change and taking small steps to change it. I believe in balance, and seeing the good and bad parts of everything. These are things that have not changed.
Maybe having a kid just allowed me the time to see all these things about myself, and see how they relate to the world around me. Maybe meeting other moms of like minds and exploring their ideas too is helping me to be more myself. Or maybe in having her I was able to finally carve out a piece of the world that I sort of understand and can wrap my head around and find interesting. Even a year later I am still obsessed with birth and pregnancy and have a craving to know more about it.
I know one thing that has changed for sure: my outlook on life in general is a lot more positive than it has notoriously been. Maybe it's a reaction to not wanting to believe I had this kid for nothing, that there are good things for her to experience. Probably it's more likely that my drugs just really do work.
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