20 weeks, 4 days

Vacation was great! Little did we know that our wee mountain dog is actually a water dog at heart:
Her very favorite thing was running along the beach and exploring the giant piles of seaweed. And while she did hop in the water regularly, I think that she would enjoy it even more if it was a bit warmer!

While on vacation, I passed the 19 week and 20 week mark. Allegedly The Insider is the size of a small cantaloupe now. Also, within one day, my belly went from looking fat to looking round, as per my mother who said "Wow, you really popped overnight!".


The last few days I've been feeling a few what they call "flutters" - basically feels like gas bubbles without the gas. In one week, we have our anatomy scan ultrasound, which means we will know if we're having a boy or girl baby.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try my hand at a prenatal yoga class. I feel blobby and gross since I can't go running, and walking just doesn't do it for me. So I figured at least if I get some stretching and muscle strengthening happening it may help me feel better. Plus I'm sure a little flexibility won't hurt to help during labor. I'm going to check out Studio Bliss since one of our ex-clients is an instructor there. She won't be the teacher tomorrow, but I figure she is a very sweet woman, and if she works there it must be a pretty okay place. I'll let you know how it goes, so long as the exertion doesn't kill me.

18 weeks 1 day

Less than a week until vacation! Actually, tomorrow is my last workday before vacation, but we don't leave until Saturday. I can't wait for Tess to see the ocean. I'm pretty certain she is going to be terrified, but I'm hoping it will be a little fun for her at least. Especially since the week we get back she goes in for her spay. Poor Tessy.

It's pretty amazing how fast Tess is growing. Right now she is 55 pounds. I can remember having to carry her up and down the stairs because she was too small to negotiate them herself. She also used to refuse to come to the door so we could go on her walk - we had to clip the leash to her and practically drag her to the door. Then when we got outside, she would refuse to walk anywhere, terrified of everything she saw. And while she's still pretty much traumatized by anyone on two legs, I can remember a time when I thought she would stay petrified forever. That I would be spending the next ten years trying to drag a 100 pound dog around. But she loves her walks, and even moreso she loves the dogpark. And I can't even begin to gush about how smart she is and how obedient with all the commands she learned in her training class. Every day I tell her I can't believe how much I love her. Because I really can't believe it. She is awesome.

On the pregnancy front, still no baby movement. However my legs have been in overdrive. For three out of the last five nights I haven't been able to fall asleep because of restless legs. I've had this happen to me before in normal times but apparently it's a pretty common pregnancy problem too. And a super annoying one. At 12:45 am last night I was ready to go run around the block a few times to get my legs to quit feeling creepy crawly.

17 weeks 2 days

Still no movement in there. But belly is reaching critical mass, I would say. Any moment now the stretch marks will start to appear.

One of the first things you do when you find out you're pregnant is start googling. I can't get enough information. I read online for hours and hours and hours, sign up for newsletter after newsletter. And I cannot deny, this information is so helpful and sometimes reassuring. It often helps me form my opinions and wishes for this pregnancy, for how I want to eat, how I want to exercise, how I want to deliver, where I want to deliver, etc.

By now, I feel like I've googled my google off and read the whole internet with regards to pregnancy. I keep coming across the same info, phrased in all different ways, but basically the same old stuff I already know.

However sometimes the information that's out there is quite alarmist. Often on message boards what you will find are the happiest moments ("Yay, tomorrow we find out the sex!") or the very worst stories ("we went to find out the sex, and found out the baby has no heartbeat"). And because I still don't feel any movement, it sends my mind through all sorts of dark tunnels of "What if that's happening to me and I have no clue?"

Nothing I can do for now except assume that no news is good news. Hopefully The Insider will start wiggling around a little closer to the walls in there so I can tell what's going on!

16 weeks 5 days

Still nothing eventful. I feel like I'm failing at this science experiment as my results have been fairly lackluster. Sorry it's so boring.

Before preparing the nursery, we decided to pull up our pants on decorating our own bedroom. This hasn't been touched since we moved in. Two years ago we bought a new mattress with the intentions of buying a new bedframe to go with it, but we never got around to it. Well, we've bought a new dresser, ordered our bedframe, and this weekend is the big re-paint project. We did the ceiling yesterday, and Eric and I got a start on the priming this morning. After lunch his friend Bjorn came over and helped him finish the rest as I had gotten a bit sleepy (normal) and also a headache (also normal, but was a bit worried about the paint fumes too).

One month until we find out what kind of baby this is, and until we're halfway done this adventure.

15 Weeks 3 days

Another uneventful week. I must say I am quite impressed with the way my body is dealing with being pregnant. I have had zero sickness, no swelling, no weird veins on my legs. The only inconvenience has been extreme fatigue, which is not so far off from how I feel on a regular day, so I've been coping alright. Napping is a regular activity now, but there are definitely worse things. This week I've also been experiencing some pretty bad headaches, but I think those have more to do with sinus pain and allergy issues than baby-building.

I am also not finding myself having more food cravings than I normally do. And I'm not craving anything weird. I definitely miss sushi A LOT - more than I would have thought. I've tried some vegetarian sushi and while it's okay, it's not the same as some fantastic spicy tuna sashimi.

I do however have one food aversion, which is weird. I can't even stand the thought of a mixed green salad. It makes me want to barf. Caesar salad is okay, though. So weird.

I was almost inspired to take a photo of the belly this morning. I find it has really popped this week, which I kind of like since before I just looked like I was carrying a spare tire. But I'm still not happy about all the extra flab I see (which a lot of people are saying indicates I've a got a girl in there) so didn't go through with it. Maybe next week.

14 weeks and 4 days

One of the major issues I'm having with being pregnant is getting fat again. Rationally, I know that this is what happens when you are growing a human in you, but psychologically I'm finding it very, very difficult.

Two years ago I started the process of shedding excess weight that I was unhappy with. I was very successful, and very happy with the results, ultimately losing over 30 pounds. I was more active, had more energy, and actually enjoyed shopping again.

Now I find myself only 15 pounds away from where I started.

Yes, it's true that after the wedding I put on about 5-7 lbs from my lowest point, but I think this is normal, and it brought me to a point where I didn't have to constantly worry about what I was eating to maintain the weight I was at.

At the beginning of the pregnancy I stopped eating/drinking things with aspertame and started drinking more milk and juice - this small thing added on another 5-7 pounds within a month or so, but I felt I didn't want to chance the chemical effects on the baby (even though they say they are relatively safe).

I also had to quit running, not because running is bad for you to do in a normal pregnancy, but because we had a horrible heat wave and I barely wanted to chance walking the dog let alone running 5Km since they say overheating is very dangerous for a pregnant lady. By the time heat let up, I felt like my body wasn't ready to start back up again without it being dangerous.

Then, I started to get HUNGRY. All the time. And I was so worried that I would suddenly be stricken by morning sickness and not be able to keep anything down, that I figured "better get while the getting is good" so I ate. Whatever I felt like it, whenever it struck me.

But morning sickness never came and by 12 weeks I was already within 15 lbs of my starting fat weight.

But, by week 10 I also realized that I probably wouldn't be getting morning sickness after all and reined in my "feeding" habits and I'm holding steady at the same weight in the meantime.

Hopefully it will all balance in the end, but for now I feel fat, gross, and fat. And no matter how many times I tell myself that it's not fat, it's baby, and no matter how many times SB tells me "But that's where the baby goes!" when I look disgustedly at my gut, I think I won't feel comfortable until the "real" baby bump appears.

I have been wondering for a while how I would approach this. And now the time is here and I am no closer to having a clue how I should say it. So I guess I should just come out with it already.

I'm knocked up.

The baby is due on Valentine's Day. I am 13 weeks along right now, and haven't had a stitch of morning sickness however have taken to going to bed at approximately 7pm since I'm exhausted.

Also, before you ask:
1) yes we planned it
2) yes we're pretty excited
3) yes we're very terrified
4) yes we will find out if it's a boy/girl
5) No, we won't name the baby after you
6) No, I won't suddenly start feeling comfortable around other people's babies
7) yes, I'm considering a nanny until that baby can hold its head up alone
8) yes, I'm already fat
9) no, you can't touch my belly.
10) NO REALLY - GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY BELLY


I'm not sure what else to say at this point.

Going by too quickly

Monday was a sad day here. Not only had Tess grown out of her baby puppy collar and had to move up to another one, she had also outgrown the loaner crate and we had to buy the big one already. And her puppy fur is starting to come out.

She is still exceeding all expectations I ever could have had. She is so quiet, and sweet, but twice a day has her playful times when she is fun and energetic. Simon still wants little-to-nothing to do with her, but Osha likes to check her out once in a while, which is adorable.

Milestone-wise, she now does "sit" on command (still working on "come" - she understands it, but I think she just doesn't feel like doing it sometimes). She comes to the vet clinic with me, and while the first few days she was a bit quiet and anxious, she is slowly coming out of her shell. Today we had our first trip to the dog park, and she loved it. She doesn't quite get the concept of play yet, and isn't sure if the other dogs are trying to kill her or not. But that will come. She only has enough energy to hang out there for 15-20 minutes at a time, though.

I'm sure next week she will bypass some other monumental stage and my heart will break a little more. But I do love her so much, and I love seeing SB getting to experience a puppy for the first time. He loved Charlie and Gabby very much, but there is nothing quite like raising a puppy - so far I think he's totally loving it.

The puppy has landed.

So, she's here, and all I can say is she is amazing. That is basically the only line that even comes close to describing her.

We decided to name her Tess. We had a friend whose dog's name was Tess, and we always loved it. Then she moved away and took Tess with her, so we felt it was up for grabs. My first choice name was not Tess, but in thinking about her personality during the first 24 hours, and also the physical presence she will have when full grown, Tess seemed to fit better.

So far, she has learned her name, "NO", and "come" (albeit she will only usually come to us when we are kneeling down. We're working on it.) She has also mastered going up the first and third flights of stairs. Because our stairs have open risers, I think it freaks her out that on the second flight she is looking out into the street when climbing.
Potty wise, today is the first day she hasn't had an accident, but I have been pretty diligent with taking her out at key times. She is pretty lazy, so doesn't get excited to go out like most dogs do when you pick up the leash. This makes me think it may take her a while to actually ASK to go out.

Simon is becoming more and more tolerant. He hasn't hissed at her today, which is a start, and he always positions himself in such a way that he can observe her. Each day he observes from closer and closer. I hope they will be playing soon.

That's the update - she is the smartest, sweetest puppy we probably could have chosen. I feel so in love with her it's crazy, and the only way to describe her is amazing.

Puppy preparations Fail

The puppy is coming home on Thursday. Aside from getting a crate for her (we have borrowed a small one for now, then will buy a bigger one when she needs it) and deciding on our feeding plan (the breeder feeds them RAW, which we weren't altogether convinced would work for us), we haven't really prepared ourselves. It's slightly terrifying, but mostly exciting.

Today I am busying myself making a training treat pouch, because I have about 800 yards of damask fabric from our wedding decorations and figured the pouch will come in handy. Hopefully it works out. We haven't bought any new toys. We still have tons of toys, and I figure not all dogs like the same stuff and I don't feel like wasting money on things she won't play with, right?

We have decided not to continue feeding her RAW food, but we will be very paying very close attention to her diet, feeding her very specific calories/fat/protein/calcium foods, and watching her growth. The issue with giant breed dogs is that they tend to have joint and skeletal issues, sometimes caused by genetics (both her parents rate very well!) and sometimes caused by a too rapid growth rate as a puppy. If they put on too much bulk before their bones have fully developed, it causes major stress on the bones and joints, leading to big problems. We don't want any big problems, so we'll keep a close eye.

I have been trying to mentally prepare Simon - I think he's going to love having a puppy around, once he gets used to the fact that he has to share space with another fuzzy creature. He is constantly trying to playfight with Osha, who is far too old for those kinds of shinanigans, and I think it causes a certain level of frustration for Simon. A playful puppy may be just what the doctor ordered!

Some sad, and then some happy

The week that Charlie died, we had been making plans to visit a dog breeder to get a puppy. It has been just over a year since Gabby passed away, and I really felt like Charlie was not my dog. It's not that I didn't love him; I did, no matter how much I maligned his presence in our home and talked about when he was going to finally croak. It's the fact that he was SB's dog. Much like Gabby was more mine, Charlie loved SB fiercely. But me, not so much. I was okay playing second fiddle when I had my Gabby girl around, but when she was gone it wasn't the same - and my heart ached to have that back.

Then Charlie died, and I thought SB might not be able to handle a new puppy. It made me sad. It was like a double loss for me. But we talked it over, and since we had been so ready to move ahead anyway, we decided that now is the time.

So on Saturday we met with a breeder, and also got to meet four fuzzy little nuggets of amazing goodness, one of which is going to be ours. We met the mom and dad dog (I think they call them the "bitch" and the "ho" or something like that) and they are both beautiful and healthy well into their fourth years, which is great.

Here is a little photo of one of the pups. I'm sorry I don't have any really good ones, but I was so entranced by the puppy breath that I forgot to take any photos at all - this is one the breeder sent to me.


We haven't picked a name for our puppy yet, but she will be a girl. And she will be coming home around June 10th, I think. I will keep you updated, and am warning you right now to brace yourselves for WAY more puppy pictures and stories than you ever thought imaginable.

I am a jinx

So, I guess I spoke too soon about the whole health situation.

Unfortunately last Friday we had to make the decision to let our dear Woodgie go. It was tough, and of course happened on Friday night, when I returned from the CLOSED vet clinic. SB had found the Woodge in extreme respiratory distress for the second time in a week, and the meds were not kicking in. He was working so hard to get air into his lungs, which were crowded and swollen with fluid. We waited over an hour and nothing happened with the meds, which usually kick in within 20 minutes.

I called our wonderfully fabulous vet on her cell phone, and she talked me through all the stuff I was struggling with. In turn I discussed everything objectively with SB and we decided it was time. Our vet met us at the clinic, which was dark and quiet, and the whole thing was very peaceful and serene. I can't express how thankful I am to have our vet, and I also feel very settled about the whole situation. When he finally passed it was obvious to us that it was time. I will spare you all the details that showed me we had made the right choice, but even just seeing him so still, finally done struggling and fighting to keep his heart pumping at all, I just knew it was right.

Our house feels very empty without a dog in it. The cats are great, but they aren't dogs (okay, so Simon is almost a dog, but not quite). And surprisingly Simon has been acting very, very strangely, almost as though he misses the dog that tried to eat him on at least 10 separate occasions that we know of.

I share with you what I think is my very favorite photo of The Woodge. I didn't go through all the photos we have of him, and I'm sure it's not even the best one. But when I think of him fondly, this is what I see.

Week #2-ish

We got back from NB last week, and have been go-go-go ever since. This week I'm doing walks for three days, then in the clinic to days, but by the end of this week I should be officially detached from the old business and moving on. It feels slightly surreal, especially since I continually find myself looking for my blackberry.

In the past two weeks we have had two separate first meetings with two different babies, and I am proud to say that my title as Baby Whisperer stands. Those babies dig me. At one point our friend said "see, you like babies!" and I said "I like quiet, and if I can make them quiet, then I win." I think I may have a bumper sticker made.

For those of you keeping track of pet health in our house, The Woodge is not dead yet, and his condition seems pretty stable. He will eat/not eat randomly, and seem distressed/totally fine as well.

Week #1

So, it's nearly the end of the first week post-business. I will be in a car for the better part of this weekend for another fantastic whirlwind trip to NB. Goodness I hate car trips more than I thought possible. Anyhoo, thought I should give you an update on how life is going so far.

It's great. I've been doing some work at home, and doing a few more hours at my vet clinic job. I really am loving that so far, and I feel really lucky that the timing worked out for that. Last night the most adorable puppy came in and we got to play with him. I had to resist the urge to grab him and hightail it outta there.

The new business owner seems to be settling in nicely. I have barely heard from her, which I take to mean she is getting along just fine. At least I hope so. I hope she isn't just scared to ask me questions.

We're going to NB for Eric's niece's christening. I have no idea what this entails exactly, but I do know that I will have to enter a church, so if you don't hear from me, it's possible I spontaneously burst into flames when I walked through the door. It will be our first time meeting her, so that's pretty exciting, and extra exciting that she is 7 months old now, so I'm pretty sure she can hold up her head and stuff. Yay.

The Big Thing

Alright, so everything is official now, which means I can safely spill the beans without putting any bad karma out into the universe and jinxing everything.

We have officially sold our business. It took us a while to decide, then took a while longer to get organized, and actually took barely any time at all to find our perfect buyer. She's great, and is much more business-minded than I am, so I think she will be much better suited to growing the business than I was.

I am actually having a lot of mixed feelings. I feel happy - we are gaining so much freedom to travel, or hang out, or whatever without worrying and planning and organizing.

I also feel sad. I would have 100 pets if I could, and owning this business kind of allowed me to do that. I took a lot of joy from the dogs and cats I saw every day. They helped me through some pretty tough moments, brought my blood pressure down when I was stressed. So that will be hard, leaving them. I know they don't care who walks them, or visits them, as long as someone shows up but I always like to think they love me as much as I love them. I will helping out during a transitional period, but will be outta there by the end of May. And who knows how much helping she will actually need me for.

And then begins a very big year for me. I'll be working part time at a vet's clinic and getting started on what will hopefully be my permanent vocation, writing. Finally. It's exciting and terrifying all at once. I have some goals, and have taken a workshop to get me back into it. I may take another one in the fall, we'll see. I am feeling inspired, and also a bit overwhelmed. There are so many possibilities to succeed, but also so many to fail. I guess all I can do is get to work and see where it takes me.

Babies

And of course the day after I posted about Big A we received a card from our friends in Winnipeg with their baby Chloe on it. And holy eff if she isn't the cutest thing too. So I guess there really CAN be more than one baby that I find quite darling. And in real life she has actually liked me reasonably well also. Maybe I am not just a cat whisperer, but a baby whisperer also! I think I may make a fantastic Auntie after all.

I can't think of anything else to say right now because my mind is a little too full, but I'll be back on the weekend with some big announcements!

The End is Nigh

So, not to jinx the BIG THING, but it should be happening this Friday. I am all at once terrified, elated, anxious, ecstatic, nervous and certain. As soon as the paperwork is done I will post an official announcement, but for now, I'm just trying to keep on truckin', as they say, and my hands have been totally mangled by my nervous gnawing.

Last weekend we visited our friends and their baby, Big A. I have to say, if ever I decided to abduct a baby I think it would be him. He really is the sweetest little one I've ever met. And we all know what a big fan of babies that I am. When we visit, he appears to be completely obsessed with both of us (SB's glasses, my hair, I think) and will just stare at us. Plus I can always make him laugh, and you know what a ham I am.

So, still nothing official for you, but a quick update, and I will be back, hopefully with good news, on the weekend!

sort of an update

Wow, okay, so it's been a while. Quick roundup.

It's been a pretty rough month for me. Due to many many external factors combined with the perfect storm of chemical imbalances in my head, I had a minor mental breakdown about three weeks ago. As much as I kid about my craziness, this wasn't funny, and it wasn't pleasant for anyone here at our house, and it was exacerbated by the fact that our shitty healthcare system in Quebec makes it next to impossible to seek urgent care for psychological issues.

Long story short, I'm feeling quite a bit better. I'm still not sleeping properly, but the days are better, so there's that.

We still don't have a puppy, and the next Big Thing has still not happened yet.

So I guess it's not much of an update, but we're doing okay and just thought everyone should know that.

The Thoughts. How do you control them? *****

I can't sleep. I can't pinpoint a specific problem, there just seems to be a whole mess of stuff clunking around in there lately. I spend the whole day with the thoughts, and work myself into a lather, then I spend the whole evening trying to keep myself from blurting them out willynilly to SB and driving him batshit crazy too. Because do we really need that? So for the last few weeks my sleep patterns have been sporadic at best.

Sleepytime is the worst. The thoughts are racing. And I know, I know "make a list before you go to sleep, so you can forget about them and move on". But the problem isn't that I think I will forget about these issues. It's that they won't go away!

It doesn't seem to be bothering anyone else in the house - all my boys, furry and not-so furry are snoring away happily. However I'm sure I'm much moodier than normal during daytime hours. My usual insomnia routine has me hopping out of bed after a good 90 minute try, watching some TV or reading then heading back in 30 minutes or so. For the past two weeks I've been just lying there until I fall asleep, which hasn't been such a hot idea, so tonight I gave in and got up to read some blogs and write a post here for myself.

It's really a crying shame because sleeping is one of the very few things in life that I know I generally excel at and which I also shamelessly enjoy.

****title of the post is one of my very favorite Karl Pilkington lines from the Ricky Gervais Podcasts.

Oh, ya....

I know, I know, two posts in one day - I'm such an attention whore. But I was running and thought of something that I had been meaning to blog about.

I cannot for the life of me figure out who the hell is in charge of choosing theme music for sporting events. It was something that I realized really bothered me last week while watching the Super Bowl, and then we went to a hockey game on Wednesday and it came up again. SB doesn't seem to understand my outrage, but let me set the scene for you.

Super Bowl. A commercial comes on for the NFL draft - they ran several throughout the night. I don't know any of the players, but they were apparently showing pretty key guys during their moment of their NFL draft year. Putting on the jersey for the first time, shaking hands with the owners, blah blah blah. And what song are they playing?

Wake Up, by the Arcade Fire.

Think about it for a second.

Does it seem strange to you that they are celebrating and promoting a very pivotal moment in an athlete's career, the moment where all the hard work and dedication and all that jazz culminates in earning them that shot at the dream, that they are celebrating all this with a song about being emotionally beaten down as a child and growing up mal-adjusted. Huh.

Next scene:

Habs game.

The visiting team skates out to boos and the like. Then to bring the Habs players out two young kids (maybe 10-13 yrs old, I can't be sure because, kids, who needs 'em?) take the ice (which has been darkened and there are swirling spotlights) and what song are they playing to get everyone pumped up?

Fix You, by Coldplay.

Yes, let's get this party started with a song about dealing with a loved one trapped in the clutches of a dangerous depression.

Does it really take so much effort to LISTEN to the lyrics, to see what the song actually says? Stop being so lazy sports marketing people!!!!

Because, seriously, at the hockey game I got goosebumps, but not for the right reasons.