25 days

We are 25 days out and wedding fever has its hold on us (me). I feel like all I do is plan, think about planning, think about organizing the planning, and then thinking about paying for everything we've planned. Oddly enough, I don't spend much time worrying or stressing - I feel like after all this work, it's kind of a given that it will be a great time.

So then that will mean SB and I will be married. I don't think it will change much, after 11 years together, 10 years living together, and 4 years engaged. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. But, I know one thing that may have to change - his nickname! I can't very well go on calling him Sexy Boyfriend! And Sexy Husband just doesn't quite have the same ring to it....although its shortened form, SH, could also be short for ShitHead which is sometimes a suitable name for him.

What do you think his new nickname should be?

I haven't quite lost my mind yet.

After my minor 1 am meltdown, I am feeling much much better. Especially since my friend Sarah took the time to let me know that this kind of thing annoys her too. I love my interwebs friends.

Drowning

We are 5.5 weeks out from the wedding and my stress level is holding steady at "variable". I keep having mini-anxiety attacks about random things that are totally outside of my control, but on the other hand I'm just so darn excited that I don't really care at all. And I think it's weird that I'm starting to not care, because in the next moment I am incapacitated by GIANT anxiety attacks. All I can say at this point is the I'm pretty darn glad that in these last weeks SB seems to be stepping up his interest and is keeping us on track, as I believe I'm quickly losing steam.

I am also feeling a lot of regret lately that I have such a hard time keeping my trap shut about things. It is my own fault, and I apologize, but I have been getting super annoyed with all the questions about my business. Both my personal business and wedding planning related stuff and my ACTUAL business. I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about plans - when I know the plans, you will know the plans, but stop asking me about the plans. When I had the idea for the plans I was excited that I had an idea, but ideas don't just become actual things out of thin air, magically. I'm creative, but I'm not rich, and I'm not god, so quit fucking asking me about it and I'll let you know when I know.

Also, business-wise, we have been pondering some big changes, but please stop fucking asking me about them. I know I mentioned it once like 8 months ago, and that if it happens I will be pretty happy and it will be a pretty big change, but, please believe me, when it happens I will shout it from the rooftops. So quit fucking asking me about it.

Again, sorry to sound bristly, because I know it's really my fault for not being able to keep my mouth shut about silly things like HOPES and DREAMS, but really, when I am feeling pretty shitty about myself, and you keep asking me about all the things that make me feel shitty, well it just makes things worse. So please stop asking. Even though I'm sure you mean well. My hands are tied. And so are my feet. And I've been thrown in a river, so I don't really feel like talking about that particular thing right now.

Gifts

When SB and I visited Paris last May, we spent a while roaming around the Louvre. It was a hot day, and we had already been to the top of the Arc de Triomphe and had walked all the way down the Champs Elysees, past the Grand Palais and the Petit Palais, through Place de la Concorde, through the Jardins de Tuileries, only to end up at the Louvre for free entrance night. It was a lovely, lovely day, and would have been perfect but for my highly disappointing Merrell flats that gave me blisters all over.


Our evening at the Louvre was a timed event. We had a very limited amount of time to explore, a very diverse list of items to see, two feet nearing the status of "massacred" and a throng of enthusiastic tourists to maneuver through.

Obviously Eric's girlfriend La Jaconda was first on the list:
Then we hit up as much else as we could. I believe we were actually on the hunt for Venus de Milo, who was actually just alright, when we stumbled upon a most unexpected treasure.

This photo does not do her justice. Because when you first see her you are climbing a staircase, and she is placed in the middle of the landing, so it's like she's rising before you. I remember we both gasped. Her full name is Winged Victory of Samothrace, but they call her Nike. She is from Greece, and is over 2000 years old. They found her in pieces, many, many pieces, but they put her back together. She is strong, imperfect, bold, incomplete. I was so drawn to her, I didn't want to leave. I could have sat for hours admiring her.

For my birthday, SB gave me something extraordinary, without even really knowing. He found a foot tall reproduction of Nike. And while I know that she is special for both of us, since it was one of the most memorable, striking moments of our whole trip, I feel like it is so apt that when I am feeling so deconstructed and lost and broken that this is the gift he chose to give me.

Keeping on Keeping on

Thirty years and one week and things are still the same. But I think I am getting better at accepting the status quo. Either that or I've just been really busy.

Wedding planning is coming along swimmingly. While my mother was visiting recently I had my final dress fitting and am absolutely delighted with the whole thing. I feel like I will want to wear this dress once a week. I just love it so much.

We also finalized all of our honeymoon travel plans this week which is super exciting. I am starting to be more excited for our travels than for the wedding itself, mostly just because there is much less stress involved. SB had insisted we wait to book our flights for our January trip because Air Canada was having some union issues. We waited until he was comfortable, and lo and behold we saved $500! I'm so stoked!

This weekend we are heading to Burlington to see the Tragically Hip for the second time this summer. I'm really looking forward to it, not just for the concert, but to be going somewhere different and taking a weekend out of the city. I'm just hoping that for once the weather will cooperate.

On another year gone

Turning 30 is not doing much for my quality of life. In one way, the day-to-day way, I am completely indifferent. I don't feel 30, and I don't feel like "turning 30" is going to change anything in my daily life.

In another way, I feel heartbroken. Is this really what my life is? I feel so inadequate, so unaccomplished, and so useless. Like all this time has been wasted, and what's stopping me from wasting the next 30 years too?

I am happy to have people that I love, and who love me. I'm thankful for every single individual that I have met and what they have made me see in myself.

I am happy to have travelled, both alone and with SB. We have seen some pretty great things, and we plan on seeing many more as time allows.

I love my critters - even The Woodge - and am grateful that SB puts up with us. They make me smile every single day, and sometimes they make me laugh out loud.

But I am terrified to set goals anymore because I have failed so many times. I am tired of letting people down.

And on one hand I am desperate to get out of my day to day, doing a job that I shouldn't hate but that I do. And on the other hand I wonder why I can't just do the job and be happy. Billions of people do jobs that they hate, but they go home, and they make their life, and they are happy with it. Or they can sustain some kind of level of happiness. So is my job the problem, or is it just me? Which is it, and do I really want to find out? Because it's one thing to feel trapped in what you do but it's quite another to feel trapped in yourself.

I want to ignore this birthday. I want to ignore the passing of time. I want to ignore that I have fallen behind in so many ways and that I feel like I'll never catch up.

If these walls could talk

I have spent the last two days working on re-painting the bathroom from top to bottom. So far I have painted the ceiling and the trim, touched them up, and removed the tape. Also the walls are sanded and smoothed to the best of my abilities.

Note I said 'to the best of my abilities'.

The people who lived here before us were not handy people. This was evidenced on our first round of painting when we had to remove the gigantic wall anchors they used to hang EVERY SINGLE tiny picture in the whole apartment. Where a finishing nail would have been fine they used 1/2" plastic anchors which left 1/2" holes in the wall. Which then had to be patched, sanded, re-patched and resanded to even seem halfway smoothed out.

I learned three things from this:
1) if using an anchor, use the butterfly kind - the holes are much smaller.
2) or just use a finishing nail
3) the guy who lived here before us was a moron and I hate him.

In repainting the bathroom, I have discovered a whole new level of idiocy. Not only were there four more giant wall anchors in there, but at some point Mr. Fix-It did some spackling of his own to install a new light fixture, and also some super fantastic paint around the ceiling of the shower and toilet cubby. Result: FAIL!!!. There are ridges and chips all over the place. Sanding them down is impossible without stripping everything down to the gyprock. So, I've been sanding and patching and sanding and patching and cursing. The ceiling was the worst since I have to crane my neck in such a way that I feel I may pass out. I'm not even sure how the paint stayed up there when it was applied that thick, by the sheer will of gravity I would have thought it would have dripped off.

Because we have been tossing around the idea of a complete remodel in the next year or two I am more than hesitant to put in too much effort. Yes, I want it to look good, but I know that if I put in too much blood and sweat into it I will not feel like working quite so hard next time.

Tomorrow I will tape off to prime the walls, then paint, then a little caulking around the shower, then done. I have all fingers crossed that I will not find anymore handywork.

My short attention span, why I'm going straight to hell, and what's wrong with the youth today.

I get tired of things quickly.

That's a lie - I get tired of news stories quickly. Things happen every single second, but when something big happens, I get really really into it for about five minutes, and then very very annoyed when everyone keeps on it for another 5 days while I am so over it.

So, today, Michael Jackson died. My mother could attest to the fact that when I was four years old I was literally OBSESSED with him, but not 1983 him, I was obsessed with Little Michael, who was "Little Michael" many many years before I was four. But The Jackson 5's Greatest Hits was the first real tape that I owned, and I listened to it incessantly. I also vividly remember watching Thriller with my aunt and Uncle around the same time and not believing he was the same guy.

I had a Glove. I also had a pleather pant/jacket set.

So, back to today. He died. I haven't been a fan of his music for many many years. That is, I haven't liked his new stuff. I still like the old stuff. Anyway, so it was news, and then it was confirmed news, and now, four hours later, CNN just keep going ON and ON and ON. Really, enough already.

So, I'm watching Angels in America and drinking wine.

Also, I was on a discussion board before where people were insisting it was IMPOSSIBLE to explain to their children who Michael Jackson was because it was IMPOSSIBLE to point to any modern day celebs who could ever compare.

I not only beg to differ, but I outright protest this statement/inference. Because it is totally all relative. Our grandparents never thought anything could compare to the likes of Elvis, or the Beatles etc. Then came Madonna and MJ. And our grandparents thought they were crap and our parents disagreed. Now there is Justin and Britney, The Jonas Brothers, etc. The hype is still there. The only thing that remains to be seen is the staying power, and who will last. I think it is so ignorant to think that only YOUR generation has relevant musicians/artists/actors/writers. These things are fluid and evolve. I think the best thing to do is foster an appreciation in what came before, and not crap on what you don't get, or have the foresight to believe in.

I'm not saying that either JT or Britney are this generation's legacy, I'm just saying that we won't know for another 10-15 years. It could even be that slutty Cyrus girl.

I didn't plan on this much planning

We are in the thick of planning mode - I thought once we got the big things done it would be a piece of cake, except now it's all those little, silly things that we don't really care about but know we probably should put some effort into. It's kind of annoying, and I spend a lot of time googling and bookmarking. I fear I may soon break my google, that's how much I'm googling.

Last week we accomplished quite a bit, including booking our mini-honeymoon! We got a great deal, and we're going to VEGAS! Which in itself is extremly exciting, however I am starting to feel a bit of anxiety about how we are going to swing the wedding and all this travelling along with running the business.

After two years, we're finally starting to settle in.

In keeping with the "home improvement" theme, we made a few changes to our lighting situation over the weekend. SB switched out our dining room light fixture, and also put a dimmer switch in the bathroom.

Of course nothing is ever as easy as it should be - while the light fixture went up pretty much without incident, it was still pretty time consuming. So worth it, though, it looks fantastic and the light quality is much nicer. Before we had some harsh halogen lights, but now it feels so much warmer... I'm very happy with it, and also a bit surprised that the one living space in our house that is finally totally complete and updated is the one space we use the least. Oh well.

The bathroom dimmer was another story. SB has switched out many switches for dimmers, so it should have been a piece of cake, however the wiring in the switch box was a little muddled - there was already one light on a dimmer, plus the fan switch, plus the switch we were changing out. Since there were so many wires in there, I guess it was inevitable that something would get mixed up.

Anyway, at one point one switch turned on both lights, while the other one dimmed them, and also the electrical outlet (in a completely separate box) would only turn on when the switch was on. What should have been a 20 minute project turned into a three hour ordeal, during which I was relatively useless since I a)didn't see the dismantling of the wires, so had zero clue which belonged where and b) don't know anything about this kind of thing anyway. But, SB figured it all out in the end and now we have two dimmers in the bathroom. Hoping to switch out the light fixtures in there shortly as well.

All that to say, yesterday was pretty productive. Saturday we played tennis, and yesterday I was expectedly sore, but I am still sore today which is a bummer! Gaaah, and I thought I was taking it easy on Saturday, on purpose, to try and recover quickly. Oh well.

The bathroom I love to hate

Our bathroom has been seriously bothering me lately. Don't get me wrong - I love spending time in there, taking long baths while reading/watching TV/drinking copious amounts of wine/listening to the rock and the roll. However, our bathroom is inefficient and ugly, and it's making me crazy.

We have one of those gigantic triangle-shaped tubs. This is not necessary. All I need is a tub that is long enough that I don't have to bend my knees up, and deep enough that I'm covered by water. But our gigantic tub is much bigger than that, and takes up half the bathroom.

Our shower, on the other hand, is tiny. Just big enough for a person to fit in, and next to impossible to shave your legs in there unless you are part acrobat.

Then, there is our vanity, which is again, GIGANTIC and ugly. Beech colored wood cabinet, with an ugly faux finished looking laminate countertop. The counter is also much taller than it needs to be, which means we miss out on storage. There is also a GIGANTIC ugly mirror, that runs from the counter almost all the way to the ceiling, and spans the entire width of the vanity.

The tile in the bathroom is terra cotta, which means that our options for wall paint color are very limited. And I am NOT a fan of the mediterranean look, so painting the walls royal blue is NOT going to happen. Right now the walls are butter colored.

About the only thing that doesn't bother me about our bathroom is that our toilet has a little cubby-type area. Not closed in, mind you, but set back, between two walls. I like that.

So, I'm dying to redecorate. Even just a little bit. I'm thinking of removing the mirror and replacing with something littler, and painting. I've already torn out the god-awful wooden towel fixtures, and have chosen some steel ones that I like. But we need to paint before installing those. And we need to decide about a mirror before we can paint.

Right now I would kill to be able to afford to rip it all out, put in either ivory tile or slate grey, a narrow soaker tub, move the shower and make it bigger, put extra storage where the shower is, put in a white vanity, a new mirror, and paint the walls whatever color I want because the terra cotta would be gone.

But for now, what color would you paint the walls?

I always try to dream BIG

I had a dream that SB got me a Bernese Mountain Dog puppy for my birthday. I am turning 30, so it's a big one, which should call for a BIGTIME gift.... I'm not placing any bets on this one happening, but it would be the best gift ever. Even if we didn't get the pup right away - just the promise of the pup...

On another note, I am attempting to do this 30 Day Shred thing, and it's killing me. And I'm only on day 2. Of 30, in case you didn't catch that part. I'm already sick of Jillian Michaels and her squinty, squinty face. And also sick of my ass feeling like pulled taffy.

Jon and Kate

Anyone else feeling train-wreck syndrome when it comes to these two? I have always watched - even though I'm not partial to children I find that most of theirs are cute, and they do funny things. In seeing the two of them interacting you could tell that problems would eventually brew (I'm actually surprised they have lasted this long) and I'm kinda anxious to see if the whole thing was totally blown out of proportion for ratings reasons or if they have genuine problems.

The worst part about that whole thing is the whole reason I began watching was the kids, but now we are going to have to suffer through all this relationship stuff. Although I am interested to see how Jon reconciles his resentment for being in the spotlight with his wife's seemingly greedy and egomaniacal need to be famous.

Anyway, I'm watching the marathon that TLC has been running all weekend, and it's the episode where they got the puppies. I cried when the big mama dog was playing with the baby puppy at the breeder's.

So maybe you'll see more of me.

Hey there! ***waves*** I'm alive!

I don't know why I have such a hard time updating. Sometimes funny things happen, or sad things happen, or whatever, and in the moment I say "I should blog about that" but then I just update my facebook status and forget about it.

So, I am going to try to update here at least once a week. Even if there is NOTHING going on in my life. You will have to endure it. (or just not read, but pfft, like that's an option).

Let's begin, shall we?

Last Thursday was our 11th anniversary. I'm a bit bummed about it, because as of September, our count resets to 0, kinda. No one will ask how long we've been together, they will ask how long we've been married. However, I am pretty happy that our wedding day is different then our first dating anniversary, because that means TWO celebrations each year. Yay!

For our anniversary we celebrated by having dinner at the hotel where we are getting married. The restaurant is called Aix Cuisine du Terroir and it was AMAZING. They have a great prix fixe menu, and if it was BYOW I think I would beg to go once a week. For starters, SB had this smoked salmon concoction and I had bison tartar two ways (both ways were fanatastic). As mains, SB had a veal chop with blue cheese mashed potatoes and I had a sirloin topped with seared foie gras. It was so decadent and ridiculous. Then we had a nice cheese plate, and for dessert a skor tiramisu, which was a surprise for their menu, but super delicious. I have had to be extra good about food and exercise this week to make up for it, though!

This weekend we have a mad crazy schedule - tomorrow night I have a birthday dinner for my friend Christina, Saturday we have to attend a wake for SB's boss's father in law, Saturday night we have dinner to celebrate SB's brother birthday, and Sunday SB is helping his bestfriend move. Phewf. So, I'm extra glad that last weekend we got to spend loads of time together, just hanging out and shopping and MarioKarting.

Wedding planning is becoming a bit...stressful. I thought that if we got the big things taken care of that we would be able to relax a bit, but holy heck, all the little things are starting to make me crazy.

We still don't have a new puppy. Not that I'm in a hurry to get one, but people always ask me when they find out Gabby passed away. I'm not sure when we will both be ready - I feel like emotionally I would be ready now, but timing-wise probably not until at least next summer. SB isn't sure he will ever be ready. So we'll see.

That's all for now. **waves** See ya soon!

Feeling better, moving forward

Thanks to everyone who posted their condolences, both here and on facebook. If I forgot to thank you, I apologize, but your thoughts were really appreciated.

Our lives have settled into a new routine. Not much is different, because Gabby's routine was also Charlie's routine, and Charlie is still here. There are lots of little things that I miss, but every day is easier.

That being said, I still have a hard time looking at photos of her. So I soothe myself by watching videos of Bernese Mountain Dog puppies on youtube. It's boring as hell, but so effing cute.

Epitaph

Grief is big. It throws this blanket over everything and you could smother in it if you aren't tall enough.

I lost my dog this week. She died. We had to "Put her down". It was the "humane" thing to do. I was ready for it, had been preparing for years, but things are not so cut and dry as you wish they would be. Her life had become sad, mostly, with little moments of happiness. That's not a life, even though most of us live that every day. Life should be full of joy, especially when you are a dog and when things are going shitty you have no idea why.


Grief is full. A lot of people say they feel empty, but I feel full. I feel like at any moment my sorrow is going to burst me.

She would have been 15 next month. I have known her over half my life. We went to high school together, got two university degrees, endured many shitty schedules for many shitty jobs. She always looked to me like "what's next?" with a silly grin and lolling tongue. My favorite days were spent with her and SB curled up on the sofa. She tucked neatly behind my bent legs and would lay her chin on my hip.


Grief is joyful. Because thinking about the last few months of sadness and stress and patience, impatience, fear and frustration, I have been contrasting against all the years we had that were full of joy.

The older she got, the whiter her face. Her eyebrows became even more expressive, if that was possible, since you could really see them raise and lower in her interest and apathy. She did not have much apathy, until the end. She usually basked in any attention whatsoever, desperate for a pet or belly rub. Her favorite was ear scratches, and she would grunt and moan with her mouth cocked to the side in pleasure.
Grief is funny. Especially if you are me and you find humor in absurd and inappropriate things, even when you shouldn't.

When we brought Gabby to live with us at Bishop's, she had never lived with a boy, only girls. And girls are more docile, and more calm when they play with animals. The first thing SB wanted to do was wrestle with her, which he promptly did, which promptly terrified her and caused her to not eat for a week. She would take her toys or treats and hide them in the corner behind the bedroom door, pushing them in tight with her nose. This caused her to rub her nose against the carpet, making it burn and bleed. As she was relaxing from the sedative on Wednesday, I touched that spot on her nose, and it made me smile.
Grief is comforting. If we do not love, we do not feel loss in our hearts, where it counts. So to feel grief means you have loved big, and loved fully, and loved wholly.

She gave me a lot of happiness. I hope I did the same for her.

Bye Bye March

So, March is over, and technically I have one week of work hell left until our missing employee returns from New Zealand. However, I haven't heard from her at all, even though I emailed her yesterday to confirm she was in fact arriving back next Friday and would in fact be starting work the following Monday. I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't come back. I think I may shoot myself.

Not that things have been horrible. In fact, I think I have been far too busy and exhausted to spend any time wallowing in my own misery, and thus have been a much happier person overall. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm unhappy, it has just delayed my reaction to it a little. I can even procrastinate my malcontent.

The only thing that I'm looking forward to in the next year is our wedding, and of course our subsequent honeymoon. Wedding plans are moving along, and they have their own share of...uh...challenges, but we're getting there. We booked our honeymoon this week, and I am absolutely ecstatic. Nothing like an all-inclusive week in St. Lucia in January to keep you pushing through all the crap.

I'm not sure what I will do with myself when it's all done.

Guess what?!?

One of our employees found my iPod in ice on the mountain today!

CRAZY!

Okay, so we assume it's my iPod. It's silver, and 2 gigs, and the same generation as mine. But, seeing as how it has spent a month in a block of ice, the battery is dead and it won't turn on. SB says we shouldn't plug it in for a few days so we can try to dry it out and not fry it.

Holy heck, what are the odds?

If it works again, then karma is totally back on my side. If it doesn't work, then at least I know it is dead and gone and I can go ahead and invest in a new one and send the loaner my sister sent us back to her.

In other news, Gabby had another bout of paralysis this morning, except she was totally freaked out by it this time and it was really scary. Like, we were ready to pack her up for the "final" vet visit. Cut to two hours later when she was limping around like usual again. We are trying her on a new medication, so we'll see if that helps...Dealing with geriatrics is stressful!

Karma hates me

I just don't understand.

A month ago, I visited the Running Room and bought my mom a Nike+ iPod running thingy. It's a little apparatus that you put on your shoe, and it sends signals to your iPod about how far you've run, etc. While I was at the store I also got some socks, some Yaktrax, and talked to the guy about why I can't log into my online account.

So, when I got home, SB realized that the guy had put not one but TWO Nike+ units in my bag, but only charged me for one.

I hummed and hawed, but decided that my karma didn't need the hit and I returned the unit the next day. The manager was very thankful, and gave me a coupon for 20% off my next purchase (yay new runners!). Plus, I felt good that I had done the right thing.

Cut to last week when my iPod went missing. Gone. Lost or stolen, who knows, but it is nowhere to be found. I really can't afford to buy a new one, so my sister is going to lend me her old one for a while. Hopefully mine will turn up in some random place, but holy eff, do I really deserve this? Really? I think if I knew what EXACTLY I did to throw things off balance I would feel a lot better about constantly getting shafted.

Introducing...

Oh, hi.

Ya, so I totally forgot to mention that we have a new guest in our little retirement community.

As of November, we had a 14 and a 13 year old dog. One of them has serious arthritis and can barely make it up the stairs for her twice daily walks. She frequently falls in her own pee puddle while walking. The other one gets increasingly grumpy as time passes and has a gross abscess thing that periodically grows and explodes. They both like when we rub their bunions. They also send our 8 year old cat to the store to pick up their smokes and gin.

Since we are so into the geriatric set, we (I) decided it would be a good idea to adopt a senior kittizen. Meet Osha:




You may recognize Osha since he has been featured on my blog before. Yup, I finally stole him.



No, I didn't actually steal him, but his owners are splitsville, and one of them only wants one cat and one of them doesn't want any cats. His brother got to stay, and this little cuddlebutt got to come stay with us.



He is 18 years old, and has one slightly lazy eye.

He also had a snaggle tooth when he moved in, but it fell out in the first three days he was here. SB was very disappointed and wanted to return him.

He has a nervous tick and blinks a lot.

Last week he had what we think was a seizure. One minute of us thinking he was a goner, then he was totally back to normal. (His new nickname is Grand Mal).

He has asthma, and some respiratory disorders so he is often congested, coughs, and gets a lot of boogers.

He also runs like a raccoon:

I love him so much he makes my heart explode everytime he looks at me.

Simon is adjusting - he is used to cats who want to play, and he is desparate to get Osha to play chase with him. But Osha is old, so usually after a few bats to the head he loses interest and goes to bed. Last night I caught Simon licking his face - after about ten licks he turned his head and lightly bit him on the neck. Osha hit him a few times and walked off. Then Simon leaned over and tried to bite Osha's tail. I stopped him, but I love that he is so determined. He's like "They brought you here to play with me, get on it! I will have you fired...."