Dear Thief,

I'm not sure why you chose to break into my little Jetta. Was it the giant dent in the front fender from when my landlady backed into it last week? Was it her cute little VW smile? Was it my iPod? Yes, I guess it was that. Because that seems to be the only thing of any value to you of all the things you pillaged from my vehicle. I will miss my little 20GB, with her cute little purple cover. I hope you enjoy all the REM on there.

I also hope you have a good time reading My Life, Bill Clinton's autobiography. I'm glad that you took it, actually, because I was halfway through, and now the suspense will really build up as to how it ends. By the way, that book was on loan from my grandfather's wife - don't you feel good that you stole from a (semi) old lady? Also, please take good care of the first edition copy of Adultery that you stole. I'm sure you will. Don't break the spine, and it could really be worth something someday. Or just throw it in someone's recycling if actually reading something is too much of a bother for you.

I would love to know what kind of tool you used to pop the lock off of my door, then manipulate the electric system of my car in such a way that all the windows were down, the trunk was popped, and the gas tank door was open when I found it. Oh, and the alarm didn't go off either. Did you do this to show how Fancy you are? Or did you think that maybe it would rain, and thus, with all the windows down, I would have had a wet ass all day today? Boy, that would have been a funny joke. Too bad it was sunny this morning.

I also want to applaud you on your mastery of thievery as a whole. I can really tell you are a real professional. Not only by the sophistication of your break-in method, but also your eagle eye that spotted my iPod under my cup holder. Oooh, ooh, and you know what else was good? The way you grabbed my giant North Face backpack full of books you will never read, a battery charger with no batteries in it, some masking tape, two crossword puzzle books, sunscreen, handcream, and lip gloss, but the way you neglected to grab my purse, which was semi-hidden (although not well, I admit, I'm a bit negligent for this) behind my trash bag, and which held all my ID, credit cards, debit cards, and $20 cash. And my digital camera. (Hey, you missed the opportunity to be the second person to steal my camera this year! Darn it! Maybe next time, I guess!)

So, Thief, happy thieving. Keep on rockin' with my iPod. Wolf Parade is really good, huh?

Your BVF (Best Victim 4-Evah),
Jules