Wanting

Lately I have been feeling guilty about all the things that I want.

I realize that I am a very very lucky person. I have someone I love, I have a fantastic home that I love, I have three little furry babies who I love and who make me smile every single day. But every day I find something else that I want. I become convinced that it will add value to our lives, that we need it. But lately I have been trying to evaluate where this sense of need comes from.

I think it's natural to want things, and I think it's healthy to have goals, and to want to surround yourself with things you love. But what is excessive? And what is normal? And is normal really normal, or is it just us imitating what seems "average" and has "average" become out of control?

In my case, I think I am trying to find a balance. There are so many things in my life that make me very very happy, but there is one giant thing that makes me seriously unhappy. I think I'm trying to drown it. I'm trying to say, "well, I can live with it, but only if I have...." Like I'm trying to fill up all the time I spend unhappy with things. In the past two months, I have felt so much happiness, and I want to keep it going, because I really loved feeling full from happiness instead of half-full from buying stuff.

I don't want to talk too much about the Giant Happiness Sucker, but I will say that now I am focusing on how to change it. It's much slower than I'd hoped - what I had dreamed would be done by November is now looking more like February or March. And while I can't possibly express how that saddens and disappoints me, I can say that I am trying to think only about how happy I will be if it happens.