I'm the same but different.

Things I have always been:kinda snarky. Very deadpan. Sarcastic. Often judgmental. Generally rational. Scientifically-minded. Potty-mouthed.

Things I am now:
open. Calmer. Probably more sensitive. Definitely less judgmental. More thoughtful. Less impulsive.

Things I will (likely) never be:
Spiritual. Whimsical. Laissez-faire.

I'm sure a lot of people will attribute it to the fact that I have a child, and that having a child changes everything. I hate that idea. I feel like it may have been a catalyst for some things, but that my life and my outlook on it didn't essentially change just because I gave birth. Yes, things have changed, but I refuse to believe that I have changed that much.

The thing is, my core beliefs have always been the same. I think religion sucks. I think a lot of people suck. I believe in good energy (some may call it karma) and bad energy, and using the universe to make change. I believe in climate change and taking small steps to change it. I believe in balance, and seeing the good and bad parts of everything. These are things that have not changed.

Maybe having a kid just allowed me the time to see all these things about myself, and see how they relate to the world around me. Maybe meeting other moms of like minds and exploring their ideas too is helping me to be more myself. Or maybe in having her I was able to finally carve out a piece of the world that I sort of understand and can wrap my head around and find interesting. Even a year later I am still obsessed with birth and pregnancy and have a craving to know more about it.

I know one thing that has changed for sure: my outlook on life in general is a lot more positive than it has notoriously been. Maybe it's a reaction to not wanting to believe I had this kid for nothing, that there are good things for her to experience. Probably it's more likely that my drugs just really do work.

The kid is turning one

One year ago I was laboring. Hard. My doula had recommended a try to get some rest through the evening, but that was impossible because OW.

All day I've been remembering these little capsule moments. Waking up knowing it was The Day. A panic-stricken trip to Toys R Us for last minute things, and then Staples for batteries of all things. We ate pizza for dinner. We watched Prince of Persia. Then we watched Auction Kings (a LOT of Auction Kings was watched between midnight and 3 over the next several weeks). Then Idiot Abroad, which kept us at home that little smidge longer.

And as vivid as everything is coming back, until yesterday I barely thought about it. Because I've been pretty caught up in watching her become a kid. She was a baby, and now she's a kid. And it all happened right in front of my eyes. In one year.