Tuesday, July 14, 2009

On another year gone

Turning 30 is not doing much for my quality of life. In one way, the day-to-day way, I am completely indifferent. I don't feel 30, and I don't feel like "turning 30" is going to change anything in my daily life.

In another way, I feel heartbroken. Is this really what my life is? I feel so inadequate, so unaccomplished, and so useless. Like all this time has been wasted, and what's stopping me from wasting the next 30 years too?

I am happy to have people that I love, and who love me. I'm thankful for every single individual that I have met and what they have made me see in myself.

I am happy to have travelled, both alone and with SB. We have seen some pretty great things, and we plan on seeing many more as time allows.

I love my critters - even The Woodge - and am grateful that SB puts up with us. They make me smile every single day, and sometimes they make me laugh out loud.

But I am terrified to set goals anymore because I have failed so many times. I am tired of letting people down.

And on one hand I am desperate to get out of my day to day, doing a job that I shouldn't hate but that I do. And on the other hand I wonder why I can't just do the job and be happy. Billions of people do jobs that they hate, but they go home, and they make their life, and they are happy with it. Or they can sustain some kind of level of happiness. So is my job the problem, or is it just me? Which is it, and do I really want to find out? Because it's one thing to feel trapped in what you do but it's quite another to feel trapped in yourself.

I want to ignore this birthday. I want to ignore the passing of time. I want to ignore that I have fallen behind in so many ways and that I feel like I'll never catch up.

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