Thursday, February 28, 2013

Third Trimester clarity and sadness

We are 8 weeks-ish away from having this baby. Driving home in the car today I realized a few things and promptly began to cry. I haven't cried in the car for a while now. Part of it is hormones, but part of it is this.

I will not be a writer. There are many reasons for this, a lot of them my fault, a lot of them outside of my control. Having one child has drained me, having two may suck me dry. I like having things, and to have things you must have money, and to have money you must work a steady gig. These are the practical points. I also seem to lack motivation, drive. And fear of failing has paralyzed me. These are the things inside me that I can't seem to push aside.

I may retire to writing. But it won't be the same. It will be the cliche, which I will find annoying and dissatisfying. My kids may not even know it's something I ever wanted.

I am 33 and I will not be a writer. I will continue to work a job that I love enough. I will raise my children feeling a little resentful and thus a lot guilty. I will have moments of inspiration that I let sweep on by because I know I'll never build on them, or because I'm too afraid to. I will continue to have a great life with a fantastic partner, but I will continue to feel unsatisfied. But I realize and will try to remind myself that I am not lacking in anything - having things is not going to fill the space that my inaction has left.

4 comments:

Alison (Wardrobe Oxygen) said...

Well hello there old friend. I was revisiting my old blog Dilly Dilly since I am rereading The Artists Way again since I did it on the blog in '06 and I read this post (haven't read the rest yet) and I feel so much about it, conne4ct and relate to it so much... hence reading that book again. And right now is not the best time to think about anything but folding onesies and freaking out about another human in your family, and it's hard to remember but it does get better and you CAN still be a writer. Maybe not not, and maybe not in 6 months but yes in the next few years. Seriously. My friend has a 4 year old and 1st grader and just published her first novel, she started writing while breastfeeding the second one. Focus on the family now, but you will come back and your writing should too. And you can have a fantastic life, wonderful children, and a fantastic partner and follow your dream.

I believe it, and I am going to find it again this year. And I wish you much strength and love and joy through this period in your life <3

Love,
Dilly Dilly aka Allie aka Alison

Aaron Grey said...
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