Before we decided to have M, I wasn't convinced kids were a great idea for us. Obviously I was willing to give it a shot, because, hey, there she is! But I am of the "One and Done" variety of parents. Kids are a difficult endeavor to undertake, and why the hell would you ever want to even the odds and be 2 against 2? Huh?
But one feeling that hasn't left me over the last six months: I want to give birth again.
right? I know. I'm totally insane.
Pregnancy was great for us. Aside from no booze and no sushi, things were easy and not only tolerable but often enjoyable! (yes, please, you can carry my 10lb bag of cat food to my car for me, even though I'm perfectly capable, I would prefer not to today.) So that would in no way discourage me. Having a kid has been exactly what I expected it would be, in that, holy eff, just once is enough, so don't worry, the odds of me carrying out this crazy thought are slim to none.
Why would I want to give birth again? Because I want to do it better. For the same reason I like running - I want to improve my personal best.
Again, yes, I realize this is insane. I had pretty much the perfect birth, based on what we wanted. No drugs, no IVs, no forceps, no vacuum, no emergencies, no problems. But I did have to have an episiotomy and, oh, ya there is the fact that I pretty much begged to die for about 5 hours.
Some of the things I had hope to do during labor to make things easier on my body, but that we didn't do:
a) warm bath. We tried this. But funny thing - we had NO HOT WATER at our house that night. I was beyond miffed. And a woman in active labor who is beyond miffed is not a pretty sight.
b) a birthing ball. For some reason, I forgot all about this. Which is weird, because I even considered purchasing one until my doula assured me she had never had a problem using the ONE they have on the floor in the hospital. But I don't remember even asking. I'm an idiot.
c) squatting. Every time my head was vertical, I felt like I would faint. I'm sure that if I had just sucked it up and told someone that instead of mumbling "please just kill me. I want to die." that they would have helped to physically support me in a squat. But, I didn't, so no squatting happened. I think the squatting may have helped get M out faster, and may have helped avoid the episiotomy.
Anyway, so I have a handful of regrets about my birthing experience, and they aren't going away. And since I can't go back and do it better, the only option is to do it again. Basically to improve my time. I know I know, I know. Just, shhhhh.