A glimpse of what her future may be like

A while back I wrote about my friend Sam who is terrified of animals. Sam also happens to be Greek, and most of the other Greek people that I know are also not so fond of animals. Whatever, it's something that I've accepted, and am not trying to make them best friends with my dog.

Several weeks ago I got a new client who is Greek, but whose family LOVES animals. They have two dogs and four cats and their lives revolve around them. But my client warned me about a crazy Greek lady down the street who hates dog and will randomly yell at people with dogs. Whatever, people yell at me all the time, and I'm an idiot with a big mouth and usually yell back and I can't believe I haven't been beaten up and/or abducted yet.

So, on Saturday I'm walking this dog, and of course the dog suddenly gets the urge to take a crap right on the corner of this lady's yard. Now, technically this is city property anyway cause property lines here start about a foot back from the sidewalk. So it's cool, I pull out my baggie and I'm waiting for the dog to do her business. All of a sudden this woman starts shrieking "GET dat dog off my yard - get dat DOG off my yard - get dat dog OFF my yard" over and over. So I'm going "Come on doggie, let's hurry", and I'm leaning down to pick up to show "Hey, I'm ready to pick up, relax." But no, the woman doesn't care. Apparently she thinks that dog's paws contain toxic acid that will seep into her grass and contaminate her water supply. So she runs off her front porch, still screaming, and I'm trying to ignore her, get the business taken care of, and get out of there. When she gets to the sidewalk she screams "Get dat dog off my yard or I call police" and I say "go ahead and call them, she's not on your yard, and I'm cleaning it up anyway." To which she says "Get dat dog off my yard or I call police" and grabs me by the arm and tries to shove me.

That's right. I was assaulted by a 60-year-old crazy Greek woman.

I yelled "HEY!!!" really loudly and said - "If you don't quit it I'll call the police because you just assaulted me." Then she stepped back and started retreating to the house, but still yelling "No more dog - I remember you, call the police." And I'm like, whatever and we continue our walk.

Of course on the way back, we walk by her house again, and she's still yelling. Twenty minutes later. "I remember you, stay that dog off my yard or I call the police." I had had it, so I yelled "Shut up already." Then she yells "YOU shut up." I stopped, turned to her, and said "I'm not talking."

Now everyday when I walk by and I don't see her, I'm tempted to do something bad to this woman. If I were a teenager again I might be tempted to key her car. Or hock a loogie on it. Or put something disgusting on her doorknob. Sexy Boyfriend said he felt like taking a crap on her front porch. Too bad I'm only in the neighborhood in the middle of the day.

Sam, if you're reading this, please don't turn into a crazy Greek woman who assaults people who are minding their own business and picking up all the droppings left behind by their furry friends. I will have to disown you. And also, Sexy Boyfriend will then have to leave a big steaming pile on your front yard.