Back. Now with less anger.

The holiday is officially over. Yes, New Year's is this week, but that is the holiday that SB and I actually get to celebrate since all the girls are back in town and there are less cats to be visited anyway. So, now we get a few days of repose after a few days of craziness and several weeks of anxiety-laden planning.

As usual, SB and I thoroughly spoiled each other. For him: a new Ultra-Zoom compact digital camera that also shoots HD video. This is because every single time he uses our Canon Elph (nothing against Canon, the new camera is a Canon too) he curses and swears and curses some more so I did some research and I think the replacement is fabulous. A very nice compliment to our DSLR, which is not the handiest thing to bring to concerts and such.

For me: a Kitchenaid stand mixer. I have wanted one of these for many many many years, and when SB witnessed the near meltdown of our wee handmixer at Thanksgiving (literally, I'm pretty sure I smelled some smoke coming off of it) when I made cheesecake, he was inspired to procure me one of these bad boys. I am excited to use it, but at the moment the pantry is a bit bare so I'll pick up some ingredients tomorrow to make some treats.

We also got many many many games for the Wii, which is fun! Except that SB has been playing Call of Duty all day, and while I *think* he's having fun, he seems to swear at the TV a lot more than I do when I'm having fun.

And finally, we used some of our gift cards from the wedding, along with Xmas money from my mom and grandfather to hitch ourselves to the HD bandwagon. We are now the proud owners of a gigantical HD TV which fits absolutely perfectly in the nook of our TV stand/bookshelf unit, so I know it was meant to be. So far the TV itself is pretty great, but what is really blowing my mind is the HD PVR that we sprung for to go along with it.

It's really an embarrassment of riches - we are so very, very lucky. And aside from all the material things we indulge in at this time of year, while we don't get to celebrate the holiday with our family and friends, they all love us very much, and we love them.

venting. apology in advance.

I am a people pleaser. I feel bad when I can't make someone happy. I love to give gifts.

This is one of the many reasons why my particular line of work is sooooo bad for me. Almost daily I receive comments via phone message, email, and text about how amazing I am, my employees are. How thankful people are to have us there for them, to relieve their stress of having to be away from their pets, either because they are working in the case of the dogs we walk, or have to be out of town in the case of the cats. I love these emails - they make me feel good. (and they also make me feel like leaving this business would cause serious strife for a lot of people, but that is a whole other matter entirely).

However, a few times a year I get the "I am absolutely infuriated" email. Some people are legitimately infuriated - we did something wrong. I feel bad, whoever did it feels bad (could be me, or one of the girls, we all make errors sometimes), we do what we can to make it right. Some people are just complaining because they like to complain, or because they're cheap and they know we'll offer them some kind of compensation. Whatever, I usually play along, make it better, and they get happy again and love us again, and it's all okay.

But then about once a year, oddly enough usually close to the holiday season (hmmm, correlation here), they are not only "absolutely infuriated" but they are impossible to please. I feel like if no one has maliciously lashed out at them, human error is human error - we made a mistake, we for sure didn't do it on purpose, we're sorry, and we want to make up for it. But these people take it as some sort of personal offense that we made a mistake. And it's never over anything big. We have never killed a cat by accident. No one's home has ever been broken into because we did something dumb.

My personal favorite thing is when they fall just short of calling me a liar. That is my very favorite thing ever. Yes, I have nothing better to do with my life than to make up stories to try to cover up something that is NO BIG DEAL. AT ALL. (yes, I am yelling these things to myself.)

I don't want to give too many details about specifics, because, well, it's the internet after all. All I will say is that one of my girls made an error, and I take it as a personal offense when someone can't accept her apology, AND my apology, and a gesture to work it out, and be happy with it. Because, just let it be known that when we do something wrong, we own up to it, we apologize, we try to make it right. But we are human, and things do go wrong sometimes. And not realizing that makes you a moron, and I predict a very lonely and very unhappy life ahead of you.

And also, thank you so much for ruining my day, a day in which I was told three times how fantastic I am and how lucky my clients are to have me and my team. Huh.

**the previous post was brought to you by the fact that I need to vent, and that while I would totally love to argue with this now ex-client (because I will never accept her business again) until she realizes she is an idiot, it is not worth my energy. But I am still stewing over it, so had to get it out. sorry.

Osha goes to the vet

Hahahahaha - bet you thought you wouldn't see me for a while, didn't you?!

I thought I owed an update to anyone who is still paying attention as to B'Goshie's* health.

Brought him to the vet tonight - he was NOT pleased to go in the car. He was yowling and yowling and yowling in his little carrier. But when I put on some Killers and starting singing along, he quit it (he actually loves a little Dustland Fairytale).

They put us in the exam room to wait for the vet and Osha was allowed to roam freely. He got on his Goshy Big Eyes and was really into checking everything out. I was a little worried because he was barely sniffling at all, so I thought the vet wouldn't get a real sense of his symptoms.

SB arrived for some moral support, then the vet came in shortly after. She commented on how soft Osha is (duh!), how young he seems compared to how old we were told he is (16-19, we aren't really exactly sure), how great his teeth look for any kitty age (we epically fail at taking care of dog teeth, but kitties seem to be no problem for us), how hard it was to hear his heart because of all the purring. We chatted about his symptoms while she felt him over, all the while he's purring and staring at her adoringly. Then she pulled out the thermometer.

Simon is NOT a fan of the thermometer - the last time he was at the vet (which was an obscenely long time ago, and we'll bring him for a checkup in the New Year, I think, since he's ten now and we should start paying attention so we can keep him around FOREVER) I thought he was going to rip the vet's arm off when she poked him with that thing. So, when the vet pulled the thermometer out tonight, I was preparing myself to grab Osha, who bites me when I brush him.

This is not what happened. Not at all. He started purring EVEN LOUDER. It was ridiculous. He is a ridiculous cat. I will not be surprised if someone tries to steal him from us at some point because he is just toooooo much.

Anyway, so she does all of this, and we tell her his symptoms, and we decide to try an antibiotic. She isn't sure it's an infection, but from what we describe it sounds like it could be. We're wrapping up the visit, and she puts Osha on the floor so she can see the raccoon walk he does because he has some arthritis. I could hear the rattle in his nose/throat as soon as his feet hit the floor. He had for sure been holding it all in trying to impress the vet. Within about two seconds he sneezed out two giant loogies (seriously, they were the size of quarters, and his nostrils are NOT that big). He sneezed a bit more on his face which he promptly licked up (gross) and the vet determined that, yes, indeed, this must be an infection and the antibiotics should be fine.

Now comes the fun part: pilling him twice a day for two weeks. Ugh.

* Osha, as he is commonly known, has about 100 nicknames. Among them: Oshie. Big Osha. B'Goshie (pronounce b'GO-shee), Oshalicious, Go-sha, B'Goshus, Oshus, Cookie Monster, The Wee One.

Finale

So, that's it then. NaBloPoMo is done. Have we learned anything people? Anyone? Anyone?

I have not been completely forthcoming this month - I have a lot of stuff going on right now, but not the time nor the energy to get into it. Some big things, some little things. Not the least of which is the health of our wee one, Osha, who periodically becomes congested and gets kitty boogers but who tonight was feeling so rotten that he wouldn't even partake in Cookie Time, which has me quite quite concerned. Luckily he has a vet appointment tomorrow evening, so I'm just hoping he can not die until then. Ok, thanks, bye.

Obviously there is more on my mind then that, but sometimes we hold onto the little things to make the big things seem not quite so bad.

NaBloPoMo has been a nice diversion - trying to think of some kind of tidbit to share each day, and putting at least a little thought and effort into trying to make it even a little funny or witty. Some days are easier than others, but thus is life, I guess.

This week I am covering for one of our vacationing employees - I thought it would be a fun week, but after the first day I'm already exhausted. I remember when we first took over this business I had a conversation with the owner of another, similar company to ours. At one point she said to me "do you ever feel if you ever saw another dog you might just kick it?". I remember being a little shocked, and thinking that I couldn't imagine ever feeling that way. And even though I don't feel like kicking anything, I now think I know what she meant by it.

Sunday mish-mash - only one day to go!

Big big week coming up.

1. The last day of NaBloPoMo is TOMORROW!!! Gaaack - I know you'll miss me!

2. doing a lot of walking this week since one of our girls is on vacation. I had been kinda looking forward to it, and then Friday was my first day of it and it did NOT go well. It wasn't a disaster or anything, but it was just really exhausting and I'm over it.

3. taking Osha to the vet on Tuesday - he periodically gets congested and sneezy, and we usually give him some baby Benedryl and it clears up in a couple of days, but this time there appears to be no end in sight. Not to gross you out, but tonight he sneezed out a booger/snot mass bigger than I've ever seen come out of a human. So, we'll head to the vet and see what she can do for us.

4. Countdown to vacation is at 50 days!

5. Tonight is Amazing Race and Dexter. When did Sunday become my favorite TV night? I'm not sure, but it is! Dexter was so friggin' good last week I can't wait to see what happens tonight.

I'm glad NaBloPoMo is done tomorrow - not because I haven't enjoyed writing. It's actually been much easier and more enjoyable than the last time I did it. But this week is going to busy and exhausting and I know odds are I would have forgotten to post at some point. That would suck, so I'm glad tomorrow is my last official posting day. But I think I will be around a lot more than I used to be.

Death by exercise

SB tried to kill me today. It was a kindhearted kind of murder plot, though, in which all he really wanted to do was spend time with me doing something that is good for us. We went for a run.

This is itself would not be unusual. I have been known to run a few times a week pretty regularly. Sure for the last month or so I have been concentrating less on running and more on not throwing myself off the Champlain bridge, but before that I was getting out there pretty regularly.

SB wanted to go for a run, and I didn't really want to, but I did want to spend time with him, so thought it would be a good thing that we should do. Then he said "let's go run on the mountain". Which made me even less excited because when I run, I'm pretty particular about The Conditions, and The Conditions do not include severe inclines. Nope. The Conditions also don't include 5 degree temperature, but this is something I've been wanting to conquer, so that was less of an issue.

So, he corrals me into the car and we drive to the mountain. Stretching is required as part of The Conditions and I'm really glad that I stuck to my guns on that one. So, we got going.

The incline was not fun. Not as bad as I had imagined, but not fun.

The Conditions also mandate that I run between 20-30 minutes, depending on my pace. Running slower, I'll stretch it out to 30. Running at "race pace" (who am I kidding, I have never been in a race, but I know what pace I would like to run if I were in one) then I stick to less time, especially since I haven't been running at all lately. We were running well below race pace, so at around the 15 minute mark I started asking when SB expected we would turn this boat around and hightail it back to the bottom.

SB seemed to be in denial of The Conditions. He said "we'll just go to the top". Then when we got to the top, he wanted to keep going, probably to frolic around the lake that's up there. I had to put my foot down. I said "No, I'm turning around." "Oh, are you tired?" "I was ready to turn around ten minutes ago when I clearly said 'let's turn around.'"

So, we turned around.

We ran 6km in 45 minutes - not a great pace, but good for a long slow run. My hips are killing me. My lungs did not fail me at all, which I'm pretty pleased about. And even better, SB did not succeed in killing me off.

This time.

Meh

Phoning it in slightly today because I'm exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open. I spent the day in the rain with puppies, and it was pretty miserable for everyone. Especially when I got a parking ticket while dropping some of the dogs off. Grrrr.

SB helped brighten my day by bringing home beer and Frites Alors, so we're tucking in to watch Benjamin Button. I'm not excited that next week one of our employees is on vacation, so I will be walking all day every day. I will be spending my weekend mentally preparing for that, so tonight I need to just rest up.

The Woodge avoids The Badness

When I got up this morning it was evident that Woodgie's camel hump probably wouldn't make it the weekend without exploding. I called our vet's office, and they couldn't take us today, then I called their associated vet's office - the conversation:

"I would like an appointment today for my dog"

"sorry we don't have any openings today, is it an emergency?"

"He has a sebaceous cyst that I'm pretty sure is fixing to explode.."

"oh dear, hold on one second"

So they fit us in, and when the vet initially felt the lump, he was sure it wasn't a cyst, but a mass, because a cyst is liquidy, not hard. But he poked it with a needle to check what was in there exactly and all I have to say is ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. Ew a million times. It was a cyst, but just really really really full.

Woodgie was a VERY good boy, barely noticed the guy poking FIVE needles into him to drain out all the fluid. We had the vet check out a bunch of other stuff, obviously, since we were there and Woodgie isn't exactly what you would call a late model. He has a heart murmur, and also a cyst in his eye that partially covers his pupil - this was, in fact, so interesting that the vet had to pull out a textbook to compare it to, and had another vet come in and take a look just for kicks.

Since Woodgie is about 800 years old, there isn't much we can do about all these problems. Or, rather, there aren't many things we are willing to do. Surgeries and weird medications and weird therapies, that's not us, especially not at this age. But we'll keep an eye on him for some of the symptoms the vet has mentioned to us. He's calling it a palliative approach. Knowing Woodgie he'll be fine for another 6 years.

Late night excitement (not what you are thinking)

Last night, right after I posted my blog post and made a cup of tea, we started hearing a bunch of sirens outside. Whatever. But after about ten minutes and a few more intervals of sirens, we were getting a little annoyed. SB got ready to walk the Woodge and said he would investigate. As they were leaving out the front door I peeked out our back patio and could see over the top of the buildings a glow, and also drifting ash from a fire.

A FIRE!!! In our very own little neighborhood!

It was crazy! As soon as I saw this I threw on my coat and went out too to check out the action. There were a whole bunch of fire trucks, and also police cars "controlling traffic" (major fail there, for some reason they would park their cars to block the road, but people would still drive right up to them thinking they could get around, and for some other reason they wouldn't get out of the cop cars to direct the traffic so it was getting a bit nuts).

The fire was the equivalent of 3-4 blocks away, and in a building that is the newest part of the development, and which isn't finished being built yet (fishy!).

My timeline of thought:

1) that sucks for the people who have bought units in that building! Now they will have to wait for them to start almost all over when they were almost done building!

2) Maybe they didn't sell enough units so the building "accidentally" caught on fire.

3) Holy heck we have a client that lives in the building that backs onto this one - I hope she was home and got her cat out.

So as we walk along to see if we can check out what's going on (couldn't get a good view since obviously you couldn't get too close and the location of the building didn't allow good viewing angles) I am calling our client to see if she was home (she had been!) if she got her cat out (she had him with her!) and if she needed a cat carrier to bring him wherever she had to go for the night (she had one!). Their building wasn't damaged at all though, but they were evacuated as a precaution.

No one was hurt in the fire, but apparently someone heard an explosion and then the fire flared up. SKETCHY!!! I'm glad that everyone was safe, and I can't wait to hear the whole story about what happened. It was a very exciting pre-bedtime!

Stuff

I almost forgot to post! Because I'm exhausted! And I'm watching Hoarders!

There are two shows on A&E that terrify me. Hoarders and Obsessed. They don't terrify me because they are showing crazy depictions of extreme behaviors. They terrify me because I see some of those tendencies in myself. Since I'm watching Hoarders right now, we'll go with that one.

I am not sure when I started to "save" and "collect" things, but I know I did it throughout my childhood and adolescence. Not to the point of not being able to walk through my room due to 8 foot tall piles of newspapers, but my mother can attest to the fact that she and my grandfather have been dealing with the aftermath of my hoarding for the almost 13 years since I moved away from home. There are boxes upon boxes of toys, books, collectibles, etc etc etc. I have no idea what is even in there. And looking back I'm pretty much 85% sure that about 90% of the stuff in there can be tossed. But I won't allow it to be thrown away until I get time to go through it. And I still think, even knowing that most of it is trash, if anyone threw it all away one day that it would hurt my heart.

Luckily I have SB - he keeps me in check where we live now. And in my old age I have become much, much, much less sentimental, and so I don't tend to keep all the weird things I used to (for about a year I made a "scrapbook" of my favorite hockey teams wherein I cut out the standings, game highlights, and any articles about them and pasted them in a hilroy. I am 99% sure those are in some of those boxes at Papa's house). And the only thing I collect now are first edition books - there could be far worse things than that!

I still have this insatiable need for stuff. Shopping, buying things, getting free things - all kinds of stuff. But I am better at realizing when all the stuff that is around me isn't useful and needs to go. It doesn't stop me from surrounding myself with different stuff, but at least it doesn't build up.

And I know for effin' sure that if SB wasn't around I would DEFINITELY have 20 cats. And a baby Bernese Mountain Dog.

Honeymoon

I'm exhausted and out of ideas for today. I had a fantastic dinner out with friends, and after a pretty busy work day I'm out of ideas.

I don't think I've talked about our official honeymoon, which is coming up very very soon. Because our wedding was in September, and we really really really wanted a beach relax honeymoon, which isn't really a good idea in September because of hurricanes, we booked our honeymoon for January. Little did I know that the waiting time of FOUR MONTHS in between would be tortuous, but it makes me even more glad that we headed to Vegas for our Mini Moon because holy heck can you imagine if we hadn't?

So, we're going to St. Lucia, and staying at a Sandals. I'm pretty stoked to check out an all-inclusive that has a great menu, beautiful rooms, and 24 hour room service. And I'm also super excited about the fact that I'm pretty sure our Blackberries won't work there, so we won't have a choice but to turn them off. For the first time in....4 years. Oh, yes, it will be fantastic.

Maybe some gangster dialogue will spice things up

Another super quiet Sunday. I had done most of my bills and schedules yesterday while SB was at an alumni event, so today I tried to relax. I finished up my knitting project, then washed it out. Once it's dry I'll steam block it. So exciting, I know, but when you finish a project it kind just looks like a weird thing all the wrong size - the edges roll up and it always looks too short. I can't wait to see it all done, yo.

Busy week coming up - I have two days of relative quiet on Wednesday and Thursday which I am already looking forward to. I had meant to get the Woodgie to the vet before our holiday crunch time began - he has a weird lypoma or cyst-type thing on his back that he's had for a while, but it suddenly tripled in size. I'm not too worried about it being harmful or deadly or anything, but if it's anything like the one on his neck, I wouldn't mind getting it drained and have him on some antibiotics before The Badness happens again. But now it looks like we won't get a chance until the new year. Fingers crossed it stays contained until then dawg.

Just watched the Curb Your Enthusiasm finale, and gearing up for Dexter at 10. Woohoo, our Sundays are off the chain.

Word.

Gifting

I spent the day at home today doing work and knitting. I haven't done very much knitting since the spring - I don't find I really feel like it when the weather is nice. It just feels wrong. But now I'm finishing up a project I had been working on to give as a Christmas gift.

I am slightly torn about the giving of a handmade gift. I know that I love it, and I know that to me it's definitely a better gift than if we went out and bought a similar item in a store and gave that. But I'm not sure if everyone values a handmade thing the same way. And that doesn't even begin to address the issue of taste, because no matter how much someone appreciates the effort and the thought, all of that may not matter if they think the item is the fugliest thing they have ever seen. So we will see if the gift will come with an accompanying small item. Or maybe I just worry too much about pleasing people. Which is probably the case, but whatever.

Anyway, only one other item to discuss today - I just caught Charlie trying to make friends with Simon. I am not even kidding. He was all raised tail and elephant ears, while Simon had a look on his face like WTF? Why are you not trying to fit my whole head in your mouth right now? I think this is a sign that Charlie needs a puppy to.

Fast food "literature"

It's the weekend!!!!

Aren't you glad you only have one more week that you have to endure of this??? (actually 10 days, but I was trying to make you feel better).

Last Friday, Oprah featured an interview with Stephanie Meyer. I was excited to see the interview. I do not read those books, I do not watch those movies, I am not a fan of vampires in any way shape or form. BUT I am a fan of writers who are making a living at writing, and I want to hear what they have to say about it.

So, I tuned in. And then I barfed. And then I promptly jumped off my balcony and died.

I have been letting it settle for a week, because I was feeling physical hatred towards this woman last week, and I figured that was probably a bit strong.

I was hoping to hear about how she had always wanted to write, always written short stories, poems, the like, always wished she had the time to just do it. Kind of a la JK Rowling (whom I also do not read nor particularly like, but whose story I find fascinating and inspiring). But no, this is not what I heard at all. Not even a little bit. No, she had a dream, and then she wrote it down, and then she sold it. The end.

I realize that talent is something you have or don't have, and all that jazz. But speaking as someone trying to get myself going into this field, and having gone to school to learn how to hone my skills, to think critically not just creatively, and to beat a dead horse until it's fresh, this is extremely counter-intuitive, and also feels like she's telling anyone who is struggling at this, working at this, and putting in a great deal of effort that it's all been a waste of time.

Again, having NEVER read her work (nor am I planning to) I have had several people tell me it's the concept, not the writing, that has sold, and, to quote my friend Sarah "she doesn't know her ass from her elbow and writes on a level basically equivalent to a sixth grader" (paraphrased a bit at the end there). It is very discouraging that this is the kind of writing that makes millions of dollars for the author. This is the kind of writing that sells.

Then the question becomes, do you stay true to the artist in you who knows what they want to create, or do you sell out and write the easy crap that people appear to want to read so you can cash in?

Obviously I know the answer, but I'm also thinking that I could probably think of a clever pen name to fill out some financing in the meantime.

NaBloPoMo Random part II

I saw a baby Bernese Mountain Dog today, walking down the sidewalk with his owner. He was so fuzzy and roly-poly that when she got him to sit at the curb he almost fell right over. ~sigh~

In other news, man yesterday really kicked my ass. Every muscle in my body is killing me. I don't know what I was doing wrong, but I better figure it out because our employee is going on vacation starting next Friday, and she will be gone for a week. If I can't make it through one day without feeling like an 80 year old, how will I last a week? Yikes!

Is anybody watching Survivor this year? It's freaking insane, first of all because of Russell being ridiculously devious and awesome, but mostly because of Shambo's hair. Are you kidding me?

And it just gets bigger and bigger by the week. Maybe instead of cutting my hair off I should get a perm and a bandana....Hmmmm.

Rotten

Today was a rotten day. For many many many reasons.

It was long. It was a long, long day and usually when I have a busy day of work like today it goes by quickly. Not so today.

The dogs were not nice. First off, my dog was not nice. I took a chance and brought him on a group walk even though I feared he may bite the face off another dog. He didn't, he had fun. He romped. And then when I dropped him at home so I could finish my day, he wouldn't stop barking. Usually when I leave the house he will bark for about 10 seconds, then stop, but today he would not. And I understand that he knew that he was missing something, but, Dude, you miss it every day. And today you got to partake in it for an hour. So shut it.

Then the afternoon group dogs were not nice. Actually, only one of them was not nice. But I expected it. He's a puller, which means he just basically tries to pull you all over. I already have a very sore arm from lord knows what, but I woke up last Thursday and felt like someone tried to pull my arm out of the socket. Then kicked it. Anyway, I used a cross-body leash since I knew this dog was a puller and it saved my arm for sure, but he did whip me a few times quite roughly and now I have a sore back. Not too sore, but just sore enough. The other dogs made me want to eat them up they are so adorable. And I forgot my camera, by the way.

Also, when I parked my car at the mountain I parked behind a car that had its keys hanging out of the trunk's lock. So I put a note and took the keys, and she happened to call when I was in the middle of my pickups and drop offs for the next group. Then my brain fell out of my head and I forgot to pick up one of the dogs on my way to the mountain to drop the keys to her, so I had to backtrack quite a way adding even more time to the day.

Then to top it all off I had my last visits with a diabetic cat that we have cared for many times over the last few years, but now his parents are moving. I wish that was the end of the story, but not only are they moving, but they have decided that the best thing to do would be to have the cat euthanized rather than moving him with them or finding him a new home. Yes, he's old, yes he's very, very sick, and yes it probably really makes sense. But my heart can't take visiting a kitty and cuddling him and loving him and knowing that in two weeks they are going to kill him. It sucks.

So, after my bath and half a bottle of wine, I was very happy that SB had brought home some Portuguese chicken. But after dinner, what does he pull out? (dirty minds, dirty...enough of that!)

A SNICKERS!!!! And since I didn't have time to eat lunch today, I ate it and I didn't care, and I was glad that there was one thing today that made me happy. And happy that it came from him.

extremely random

I have a very very busy day tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all. Well, kind of am, because I will see loads of dogs I haven't seen in a long time, but I'm also very very tired lately, so not too excited about a 9-10 hour day.

I gave The Woodge a sort-of bath today. He hated it. Was terrified. But he smelled bad so it was necessary. He was super happy after his bath, though, and I was too, seeing as how I didn't lose a limb in the process. He was, in fact, so happy that he kept looking at me adoringly, so then I would crouch down to pet him and then he would plant a giant smooch on his face. Apparently he couldn't stand the stink of himself either. Now if only I could figure out how to pressure wash his mouth.

Also, before the wedding, I had gel nails applied. They looked nice, and I have been semi-keeping them up (every 2-3 weeks is pretty excessive, so I was doing 3-4 weeks) but now I've decided I'll leave them to grow out. They aren't adding anything to my life. I need a haircut more than I need stupid nails. So, it's back to Hands that Appear to Have Been Mangled by a Woodchipper for me.

That's all for today. I think I will try to take some photos tomorrow one my walks because I have a feeling I won't be full of ideas when I get home tomorrow night.

Don't you want somebody to love?

It's late, and I haven't posted yet. And I'm craving a Snickers bar. Oh dear.

My mother emailed me this morning to let me know that the receptionist at her doctor's office (where I used to also visit until I moved away), who is also a breeder of Bernese Mountain dogs, has pups going out right now, and will have another litter available in the spring.

TORTURE!!!

For anyone who is unaware, I am slightly obsessed with these dogs, and have long held that they would be the next breed of dog we had in our home. How could anyone resist this:

(as a side note even my friend Sam who hates all creatures can recognize these dogs in a crowd and actually thinks they are cute because they look like they're wearing legwarmers)

I think some people might be a bit surprised that I would go to a breeder rather than adopt a shelter dog, and to be honest I would love to do both. But I feel like for our lifestyle and home situation, it's very important to get the right dog and make it as easy as possible to mesh it with our lives. Our place is not big, and we don't have a yard. We also have three other pets who already live here, and a routine that we like. While a puppy would definitely be a big change to that routine, I want the puppy to feel happy and balanced with what we can offer her.

All that to say, we kind of have to have an idea of what we're going to get. And, yes, every single dog is different even within breeds, but when odds are if you choose a breed that is known for being lazy (as Berners are) you are going to get a quieter dog who doesn't need to run 5 miles every day. If we adopted a mutt rescue puppy, they generally come as "shepherd mixes" "lab mixes" or "border collie mixes" - regardless of what they are mixed with, those are all very active dogs, and you get a lab x shepherd, you could end up with a crazy 100 lb dog in a condo, and then no one ends up happy.

So at this point I would like the odds to be with us. My top dog choices are the Berners and the dachshund - at completely separate ends of the size scale. But my heart is with the Berner. We'll see how long it is before I can finally convince SB. I mentioned that to my mom this morning, and said she would have been better off letting him know about the pups that are available than torturing me with them.

Contributing to my social phobia

So, here we are, halfway through November! Can you believe I've been married almost two months? Can you believe I'm going on vacation in almost two months? Can you believe you're still reading the mundane details of my life daily???

But, I actually have a quasi-interesting topic today, so that's kind of exciting, right?

Last night we went for dinner at our friends' place. It was us, them, and one other couple who we have never met before.

Now, I'm all for meeting new people (not really, right?) so I put on my big girl pants, and was ready to be social and pleasant while in the company of strangers. The hosts are great friends, we don't see them nearly often enough, and they are moving away in January so I really wanted to have a nice evening and not make them regret inviting us.

I am stressing the point here that I was in the complete right frame of mind for meeting strangers. I hadn't had a horrible day, I wasn't mad at SB or any of our employees for anything. I was happy, and ready to keep it up.

But, it was too bad because the guy portion of this couple was one of those Overbearing Argumentative Chatty Cathy people. Now, any one of these three traits generally gets my back up. Overbearing: please stop interrupting me with your loud voice. I have things to say, and talking over me is not nice. Chatty Cathy: once everyone has yielded the "conversation" to you, please do the same for us at some point. Anytime now. Maybe you need a second to breathe.

But the absolute worst thing is Argumentative. Especially when you're with strangers. And I don't mean opinionated, that's different. Everyone should have opinions. But you shouldn't follow those up with a ten minute monologue about why everyone else's opinion is wrong. Because that's just rude.

There are certain things I believe can be debated in polite company, sure. But taste is not one of these things. For example, I happen to like Russell Brand and think he's funny. That is a matter of taste. If you didn't agree with me, the correct response would be "huh, really? I don't really get him." The wrong response would be "You've got to be kidding me! He's terrible. The worst! He has to be the worst comedian on the planet.." etc etc etc, effectively trying to convince me that I must be wrong, I must NOT like him.

And what was even more annoying was that his wife was a very very sweet woman, and I feel like I barely got to know anything about her because he just wouldn't SHUT UP. I think she's probably very interesting.

Anyway, I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping a pretty positive attitude. I do have my limits though, like at one point when that guy said something about why having a pet is a ridiculous concept, and this was after we had talked about a) the cat who belonged to the host, who was wandering around the whole night, b) our pets, and c) our pet sitting business. But as I looked past him, I saw SB giving me The Jim, so I DID NOT reach across and slam that guy's face into his salmon.

Christmas is dead. Part IV

So, another year, another holiday season is looming before us.

This is the time of year when everyone else gathers with their families to celebrate the holidays, doing whatever they all do each year. At first I resented missing out on those things. But now I realize I just miss the option of choosing those activities. Whether I want to drive 10 hours or not, hauling dogs and cats and too much luggage and too many gifts, we don't have the choice. Would I be just as happy to choose, say, travelling over the holidays to a beach, or spending Christmas in Rome? Probably. But I can't choose those things either. And maybe I would be even happier just hanging out in our condo with our own dog and cats, holed up for three days drinking hot chocolate, opening gifts, eating too much, sitting in front of the fire place. Yup, that would probably make me happy too.

But we don't have those choices anymore. For the last three years (this year will be our fourth), we get up on Christmas morning, usually before the sun comes up. We visit about a kabillion cats during the day, usually taking a break for a meal (one year my mom visited and made us a turkey while we were out scooping poop and shoving pills down cats' throats. It was awesome. But usually we stop at one of the delis and either have a club sandwich or smoked meat.) We get home after dark. The end.

I would complain more, and hate it more, except for one thing. I know that every Christmas that we own this business I get to spend the whole day with SB, just the two of us. And we usually have a great time. So as much as I hate it, I really do love it.

FAIL

One of my favorite blogs is FAIL Blog, cousin to LOL Cats. Generally at least once a day they post either photos, videos, news articles featuring various FAILS that are going on in the world. Here are some of my faves:

Local news weather:

http://failblog.org/2009/11/13/geography-fail-4/

Man on the street:

http://failblog.org/2009/11/13/fashion-fail-5/

They've been doing a lot of this type of thing lately, and I love it:

http://failblog.org/2009/11/11/suggestion-fail/

My personal favorite of the week:

http://failblog.org/2009/11/10/wireless-network-fail/

If you use an RSS reader, I would highly recommend subscribing to this feed - I usually read it while I'm having my coffee, and have, more than once, found myself almost spitting all over the laptop. I also love sending the link to SB to brighten his day a bit. And if you do read it, what have your faves been?

Married

Not a whole lot going on today, but I DID make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I've just recently started making this dish, and neither SB nor myself can figure out why the heck it's taken so long for me to try this.

Anyway, my second favorite thing about spaghetti and meatballs, aside from how yummy they are, is that every time I make them SB makes about 400 jokes about how much he loves BALLS. He loves BALLS in his MOUTH. MMMMMMM BALLS.

It never gets old.

The Wedding Gown, Part II

There is a lot of stress about choosing the correct dress. My priorities before trying on anything:

• comfortable - not necessarily sweatpants comfy, but enough that you feel yourself, and not self-conscious the whole day.
• budget - I was a wedding budget Nazi - it is one of the things I am the most proud of, so it was really important to me to stick to it. We will say budget was X going into the process.
• different - I really didn't want something that looked same-old same-old. I also didn't want something totally out there. I wanted classic, but with details people would remember.

Things I knew I DID NOT WANT -

• lace.
• a tulle skirt that looked like a tutu
• pick-ups on the skirt

You would think this left things pretty wide open, but we learned quickly in the first store that I was very discerning - looking at the dresses on the hangers the consultant would say "what about this?" and I could no or yes within seconds. She loved my decisiveness, I think, and when I told her how long we'd been engaged she understood it too.

After trying on the first round of gowns I had discovered:

• sweetheart necklines look great on me but I wasn't going to feel comfortable in strapless
• I wanted a long train
• had to have buttons up the back - no lace-ups
  
• had to have beading
• ideally wanted a v-neck front and a v-back.

We found my dress by accident. It was hanging, and the first thing we saw was the pleating of the train. I thought it was interesting, but was a bit afraid of it too. Too much pleating could be bad. It also didn't have a pricetag on it since it had just arrived in the store. I agreed to try it on. Some photos of what it would have looked like on the hanger:

When I put it on, I instantly loved how it felt - even though it was two sizes too small. The train was just long enough, and when we pulled up the back to see what it would look like bustled, I almost started to cry. I knew it was it, and then I had to ask the price.

Because it had no tag, the consultant had to call the owner to find out where to find the price. She came back with X + 50%. Great. One and a half times my budget. I asked her if she thought they would be able to work out a better price, and she said she thought so, probably at least to X + 35%. Still not great for me.

As I said yesterday, we visited some other salons after this, and at one I saw The Dress and asked what their price would be. They came back with X + 30%. When I returned to the original shop, I tried on The Dress and two others, just to be sure, and there was no question. But budget-wise I was crying on the inside. There was no way I could justify it. No.

When I had the dress on again, we started talking about the price - the consultant could tell I was serious, and called up the owner of the salon to facilitate the negotiations. She started off with the first price she had quoted, and I told her the other shop had offered better, but still not great. After a few back and forths, we settled on X + 6% taxes in, plus they included a loaner crinolin, veil, and headpiece if I so chose.

This made me happy enough, but then 6 months later when it came time for a fitting I checked out the sample while they brought up my gown. The price tag: X x 2. Two times my original budget!!! If it had had a tag the day I tried them on, I wouldn't even have pulled it off the hanger. I'm so glad I did.

But probably the best part about my gown was SB's reaction. When I stepped into the room, and started walking towards him, I could see he had tears in his eyes. And after he shook my grandfathers hand, and we stood waiting for the music to stop, he leaned to me and said "You look so beautiful - I would have paid twice the price." And I knew I had picked a winner.

The Wedding Gown, Part I

Because SB turned out to be a hyper-conventional groom, I wasn't allowed to tell him anything about The Dress before the wedding. Except the price, of course, since we only have communal cash here at our house. He was actually so serious about knowing NO details about it that when I once had a nightmare that it arrived in champagne he plugged his fingers in his ears and said "la la la la la" because he didn't even want to know what color it WASN'T. So, I wasn't allowed to write about The Dress either. Because he might read about it, and then we would have to light it on fire and start from scratch.

My dress shopping experience can be summed up in 3 words - efficient, efficient, efficient. Wedding dresses are tricky things, because in most cases it is the first time you have ever shopped for one, so how can you know what it will look like on you? But it helps to know the vocabulary to be able to describe the ideas you have of what you may like. Plus, I had been looking at photos of designer dresses in magazines for so long, that I knew a lot of details that I absolutely did not want.

I worked on vibe a lot. My first time out, we visited three places. First one was great, but none of the dresses were IT. Second one (which is one of the most popular in town) had a weird smell, was extremely cramped, and there were no consultants to help us. I put one dress over my head, and before we even stepped out of the dressing room I said "I hate this place, and there is no way I'm buying a dress here" so we left. The third place was beautiful, the consultant was friendly, helpful, but not a busybody hovering over us. I found the dress there. But couldn't accept that within two hours it was done.

The second time out I visited a high-end salon - it was nice, but the consultant seemed extremely condescending, and the dresses were just alright. I tried on two, but only to humor her. The second place had a website that said they were open until nine that night, but when we arrived at 7 the lady was closing up. I saw "My Dress" on a mannequin in the front, and asked her how much it would be. She gave me a price, and we left. We went back to the original store where I had seen it, I tried it on for my friends, they all loved it, and then the price negotiating began.

Tomorrow, The Dress itself!!!

Ellen on Oprah

Today on Oprah her guest was Ellen Degeneres. Usually I can take her or leave her - I don't watch her talk show anymore as the novelty has kinda worn off, but I do think I would like her on American Idol so may give that a go when it comes back on.

The thing that made the biggest impression on me was the portion of the show where they interviewed Ellen and her wife, Portia de Rossi.

On the one hand, they are adorable. They gush over each other. They almost went so far as to say they complete each other. They showed film from their wedding, and I was tearing up because it was so beautiful, and they both had the stupid silly grin that I know I had on my wedding day.

On the other hand I remember what seems like not so long ago when Ellen had a similar relationship with Anne Heche, and I wonder if she really learned anything from that experience. They gushed, they swooned, and that ended so, so, so badly. And the whole thing in the public eye with lots of scrutiny and disdainful messiness.

And then on a third hand (or foot, or other appendage) you have to applaud them for taking the opportunity to flaunt their beautiful, beautiful marriage in the faces of the hateful, hateful people of California who voted against legalizing gay marriage permanently.

So, basically, the episode left me smiling like a fool, cringing anxiously, and shaking my fist at California. Did you see it?

snorefest

I almost forgot about NaBloPoMo today! Not that I spent the day in a fury of activity or anything, but for some reason lounging on the sofa in my pj's until 3pm just didn't say to my brain "hey, it's time to write a blog post!"

Last night I kicked three boys' asses at Guitar Hero, even after several glasses of wine. Then this morning SB made me a fantastic omelet breakfast. I'm not sure a weekend at home could get much better than that!

Now I've settled in for Amazing Race and Dexter night - I probably should have run this weekend at some point, but meh.

Sorry so boring - I guess that's Sundays for ya!

Purged

So, wow, that movie killed us. For the last half hour I was a mess. If you haven't seen the movie, then you may not want to read this post.

The first point where I lost it was when Marley had trouble on the stairs. For the last probably two years of Gabby's life mobility was an on-again/off-again struggle. Some days it was no problem, other days she required a lot of help. I didn't mind, but I could tell she did.

After that, when he took her on the trail through the field, and they sat sitting at the sun - reminded me of bringing Gabby on the mountain trail with the group. She would trudge along at her own pace, sometimes falling out of view behind us, and I can't remember if I ever just sat with her at the top. I can't remember if I ever congratulated her for making it up there.

One part of the movie that outraged me was when he left Marley alone overnight at the vet for observation. I never could have left Gabby alone, sick, in a strange place. Never. Maybe I'm strange. But it wouldn't have happened. I also never could have just said goodbye to her in the back of a car, then let someone else take her away. Never.

So, overall it was just cry, cry, cry. But it also made me want a puppy really badly. I know we have The Woodge, but he is not mine. He doesn't love me the way Gabby did. He doesn't seem to need me, or want to please me. I miss that.

Purging

it's a grey, grey day. No rain, just greyness. Fall is the only season where this is acceptable, for some reason.

I picked up some movies at Blockbuster - it's cheaper to buy their pre-owned DVDs than to rent new ones, and since SB and I are horribly behind in our movie watching it doesn't really matter to us.

I grabbed Ghost Town - lately I have been obsessed with Ricky Gervais, and I had heard great things about this movie. Hopefully it's at least a little bit good, and Tea Leoni is in it so SB will be happy.

I also picked up Marley and Me. We've been avoiding this movie. It came out on DVD right around the time we lost Gabby, and we just weren't ready. I'm still not sure we are, but what better day than a chilly, grey day in fall to let some of that out?

Thankful

Simon is ridiculously cuddly today. He has been following me everywhere and meowing/chatting at me, and whenever I am on the sofa he snuggles up beside me. It was hard to get motivated to go do my walks today, and even harder to get going to meet a friend for dinner since it was soooo cold outside and Simon is so warm and squishy. But, I got up and at 'em and am glad. I don't see my friends enough.

Since we don't get to see each other often, and our group of friends isn't all together nearly enough, we got to talking about the value of our friendships. Each of us has had down times, and grumpy times, and problems and then everyone has there happiness and celebrations too. I feel so so lucky to have such a great group of girls in my life who listen to me when I'm having a tough go of it, who offer their advice when they can, their hands when I need help, their hearts when mine feels disconnected. And I feel lucky to be able to return the favor for them, because I love them like my family.

So, that's all, tonight my heart is full and I feel very grateful. For my friends and my squishy kitty cat.

Viva Las Vegas!

For our mini-honeymoon, SB and I jetted off to Las Vegas for 4 days of mayhem in Sin City. Every single person that we spoke to before heading off said "Vegas is fun - for about 3-4 days, after that it gets to be a bit much." We were please, then, since we had only booked for 4 days, really just a getaway to relax after wedding craziness.

I don't know how other people "do" Vegas, but obviously not the right way because holy heck if I don't want to move there. We had such a fantastic time, I would go back in a heartbeat. So, my mini travelguide to Vegas.

- Don't spend a ton on your hotel - just make sure you stay somewhere on the strip. We stayed at the MGM Grand - one of the older hotels, rooms are slightly dated but clean. You don't spend a ton of time in your room, so you just want to be sure it's somewhere you won't catch bedbugs and that doesn't stink of mold.

- Do research the pool - we spent the WHOLE DAY by the pool, as we are wont to do, and we were very please that our hotel had a fantastic pool area, with sunshine all day long. In contrast, right across the street at New York New York the pool area was tiny and shaded all day. Boooo. You need to be a guest at the hotel to get into the pool area for free, so be sure you are staying at a hotel with a pool you will want to hang out at.

- Do relax in the daytime. ie plan on hanging out by the pool, doing shopping, visiting spas...whatever you consider relaxing, fill your days with that. Don't try to pack the daytime with too much shuffling about because it gets wicked hot, so you will tire yourself out pretty quickly if you are outside in it too long.

- Do explore at night - the Strip is pretty amazing, and night time is the time to really take it all in, all lit up and flashy. We checked out most of the casinos from the outside, and a couple from the inside, just by wandering up and down the Strip. The sidewalks are much, much more narrow than I thought though, so as much as I was up for seeing the sights I did find the crowds very annoying.

- Do hit some buffets. We read a lot about the Bellagio buffet, so we had to check it out. It was amazing - Under $30 per person and dudes, there was Kobe beef prime rib. And a sushi bar. And duck a l'orange. And quail. It was ridiculous. The buffet at our hotel wasn't half bad, either, and we were able to pay a "whole day" price, which gave us a discount for eating our breakfast, lunch, and dinner there. And it was yummy, not bland or gross like I expected.

I could go on and on about all the activities we did, but these are the best tips I came away with. We were there at the end of September, and the weather was absolutely amazing. Hot and sunny all day, relatively cool at night. And there is something about the low humidity that just made me sooooo happy all the time. Except when it cause our bodies to shrink and SB's wedding ring fell off in the casino, but that's a whole other story.

Wanting

Lately I have been feeling guilty about all the things that I want.

I realize that I am a very very lucky person. I have someone I love, I have a fantastic home that I love, I have three little furry babies who I love and who make me smile every single day. But every day I find something else that I want. I become convinced that it will add value to our lives, that we need it. But lately I have been trying to evaluate where this sense of need comes from.

I think it's natural to want things, and I think it's healthy to have goals, and to want to surround yourself with things you love. But what is excessive? And what is normal? And is normal really normal, or is it just us imitating what seems "average" and has "average" become out of control?

In my case, I think I am trying to find a balance. There are so many things in my life that make me very very happy, but there is one giant thing that makes me seriously unhappy. I think I'm trying to drown it. I'm trying to say, "well, I can live with it, but only if I have...." Like I'm trying to fill up all the time I spend unhappy with things. In the past two months, I have felt so much happiness, and I want to keep it going, because I really loved feeling full from happiness instead of half-full from buying stuff.

I don't want to talk too much about the Giant Happiness Sucker, but I will say that now I am focusing on how to change it. It's much slower than I'd hoped - what I had dreamed would be done by November is now looking more like February or March. And while I can't possibly express how that saddens and disappoints me, I can say that I am trying to think only about how happy I will be if it happens.

The Questions

Obviously after we graduated from University The Questions started about when we would be getting hitched.

Then when we finally got engaged, The Questions became incessant (admittedly we asked for those ones), and we deferred them by saying we would get married after we bought a place.

Then The Questions became "did you find a place yet?". When we finally bought our condo, The Questions reverted to "so when is the big day going to be?"

Well, the Big Day has come and gone. We are officially hitched, and it's great. But now The Questions have become "so when are you going to have kids?"

I realize this is the conventional order of things. But in keeping with my attitude of resenting questions about my life, please stop asking this question. Because, if you know me at all, you know:

1. babies terrify the bejeesus out of me - I can feel it deep in my soul that if left to my own devices I would break a baby. And probably not just in two, but I would probably shatter it.
2. I don't like things that talk back, and I do like quiet. I like to share my space with dogs, cats, and SB because they are all relatively complacent to my particularities.
3. Babies are so self-centered.
4. TLC's a Baby Story. 'Nuff said about that one.
5. My life is messed up enough, so I don't think it's fair to force that upon more humans than necessary, especially helpless ones that can't exactly run away until they are like 15, which is way too late. ****

So, please, please stop asking when we're going to have a baby. We have a lot of things to do in this life already, like working, and traveling, and spoiling Simon and Gang. We are certainly not in the mindset to add more chaos to all that.


****when my mother asked me The Question, this was my response. She said I was too cynical. Maybe. But this isn't something I'm willing to talk myself into.

NaBloPoMo Day 1

Today is my favorite day of the year. Not because it's the first day of NaBloPoMo. Not because it's the first day of November. No, it's my favorite day because it's the day the clocks roll back, and we magically get an extra hour. There are not a whole lot of things that I love more than waking up at 10:30 only to realize it's only 9:30.

How do I spend this day?

First I finished up my schedules and work crapola. I will still have to get the stuff together for the girls later, but the bulk is finished.

Then, I watched a whole lot of detective TV on the Mystery channel, until SB had had enough and changed it to football.

THEN I hunkered in and watched some streaming tv shows on the internet (more detective shows, and then some Mad Men)

The best longest day ever.

This week I have been fighting off some sort of illness - not the dreaded flu, I don't think, but my sinuses have been full and I had a little bit of a fever for two days. So, it's nice to have the day to relax, get a little rest in, and hopefully fight this thing away.

Sorry this is so boring. Boring days = boring posts. This may be a VERY long month for anyone who decides to read each day. Sorry.

NaBloPoMo 2.0

Nothing has been going on. Literally. Or at least that's what it feels like. Compared to all the craziness of planning the wedding, this past month has been pretty quiet. It's a strange feeling, and I feel like I'm growing lazy in this lull. I don't want to do anything, and nothing is really on a deadline, so I end up not getting anything done.

What I have been doing a lot of is thinking. The mind is a dangerous place, folks. Spend too much time in there, and it begins to fill up with all these....ideas. And you think they are good at first, until you get working on them and oh, dear, then you're up to your eyeballs in unfinished projects.

One idea that has been bouncing around in there lately that I actually think is NOT a waste of time is NaBloPoMo. Some of you who have been following this blog for a while know I did NaBloPoMo about three years ago, I think. It was fun, more challenging then I thought, and actually pretty inspiring. So, as I'm trying to re-focus on what I WANT to do instead of what I have been doing, which is what I feel I HAVE to do, this seemed like the perfect place to start.

So, starting Nov 1st, it's on. One post each day, including weekends, for the entire month of November. I have about a week and a half to gather some ideas before it gets started.

10 things you hear about weddings - T/F

1. the day flies by too fast - TRUE! - I got up at 8:30 and before I knew it it was 3am and time for bed. From hair appointment, to lunch, to makeup, to getting dressed to ceremony to dinner to dancing, the only part that felt like it was dragging on was the 30 minutes between the time my mom and sister went downstairs to welcome people until the coordinator called to cue my grandfather and I to join them. This 30 minutes was useful since I think Papa was nervous and I got him to drink a glass of wine and tell the photographer a few stories to loosen up a bit.

2. You won't get to eat - FALSE! - we ponied up for a fantastic menu and I was determined to enjoy it. I did, however, learn quickly not to leave my seat until I was done with my plate after my salad was removed while I was gone saying hi to a table of friends. After that I didn't leave my plate without specific instructions to someone to keep an eye on it and not let anyone take it away.

3. People will be upset if you don't follow "the rules" - FALSE! - we had no official cake cutting, no garter toss, no bouquet toss and our entrance song was "Swagga' Like Us" and people couldn't stop raving about what a fantastic time they had.

4. You won't even notice when small details go wrong - FALSE! - it bothers me that no one arranged my dress at during the ceremony (my fault - didn't assign the task), the ceremony didn't end up videotaped (Eric's fault - didn't assign the task), we didn't get to try the hors d'oeuvres (venue's fault, they sent up cheese and fruit instead), and the DJ effed up our first dance song and my mother/daughter song (DJ's fault and the reason why, even after a great night of partying, I didn't give him a tip). But, it just bothers me. It didn't ruin the day for me. There are soooo many other things that were either perfect or better than expected that I really can't dwell on those other things.

5. Your tasting will always be better than the food the day-of - FALSE!!! - the food was actually better than when we originally tasted it, which is incredible, impressive, and had me regretting my change from steak to chicken.

6. You won't feel like doin' it on your wedding night - TRUE!!! - my dress was heavy and I think I sweated off about 40 pounds. At the end of the night I just wanted a shower and some sleep. We did, however, finish off the cheese plate from before the reception and talked about the highlights of the day while they were still fresh.

7. Your photographer is invaluable - TRUE!!! - all our friends and families had their cameras, but we just saw the photogs photos and they were amazing. Also, we had them set up a photobooth and I think my favorite photos of the night are from there. Their photos are so great, I feel like I can relive the whole day just by flipping through them. And that's exactly how it should be.

8. You won't have time to socialize/have fun - FALSE!!! - we specifically invited less people so that we could enjoy time with every single guest, and still get our boogie on. I have a great memory with every single person who was there, and that's just how I wanted it.

9. No wedding is complete without the Chicken Dance/YMCA/etc - FALSE!! - the only remotely cliche song we played was "Celebrate" (good times, come on!) - our DJ thought we were weird because there was a lot of Puff Daddy, Notorious BIG, etc. Whatever, people were DANCING and that's all we wanted :)

10. You will feel different after becoming Mr and Mrs. - FALSE - I don't. I still love SB more than anything, I still love our life together, and I still love sharing every part of my life with him. The only thing that is different is the fact that we don't have to plan a giant party anymore. Until our first anniversary!

25 days

We are 25 days out and wedding fever has its hold on us (me). I feel like all I do is plan, think about planning, think about organizing the planning, and then thinking about paying for everything we've planned. Oddly enough, I don't spend much time worrying or stressing - I feel like after all this work, it's kind of a given that it will be a great time.

So then that will mean SB and I will be married. I don't think it will change much, after 11 years together, 10 years living together, and 4 years engaged. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. But, I know one thing that may have to change - his nickname! I can't very well go on calling him Sexy Boyfriend! And Sexy Husband just doesn't quite have the same ring to it....although its shortened form, SH, could also be short for ShitHead which is sometimes a suitable name for him.

What do you think his new nickname should be?

I haven't quite lost my mind yet.

After my minor 1 am meltdown, I am feeling much much better. Especially since my friend Sarah took the time to let me know that this kind of thing annoys her too. I love my interwebs friends.

Drowning

We are 5.5 weeks out from the wedding and my stress level is holding steady at "variable". I keep having mini-anxiety attacks about random things that are totally outside of my control, but on the other hand I'm just so darn excited that I don't really care at all. And I think it's weird that I'm starting to not care, because in the next moment I am incapacitated by GIANT anxiety attacks. All I can say at this point is the I'm pretty darn glad that in these last weeks SB seems to be stepping up his interest and is keeping us on track, as I believe I'm quickly losing steam.

I am also feeling a lot of regret lately that I have such a hard time keeping my trap shut about things. It is my own fault, and I apologize, but I have been getting super annoyed with all the questions about my business. Both my personal business and wedding planning related stuff and my ACTUAL business. I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about plans - when I know the plans, you will know the plans, but stop asking me about the plans. When I had the idea for the plans I was excited that I had an idea, but ideas don't just become actual things out of thin air, magically. I'm creative, but I'm not rich, and I'm not god, so quit fucking asking me about it and I'll let you know when I know.

Also, business-wise, we have been pondering some big changes, but please stop fucking asking me about them. I know I mentioned it once like 8 months ago, and that if it happens I will be pretty happy and it will be a pretty big change, but, please believe me, when it happens I will shout it from the rooftops. So quit fucking asking me about it.

Again, sorry to sound bristly, because I know it's really my fault for not being able to keep my mouth shut about silly things like HOPES and DREAMS, but really, when I am feeling pretty shitty about myself, and you keep asking me about all the things that make me feel shitty, well it just makes things worse. So please stop asking. Even though I'm sure you mean well. My hands are tied. And so are my feet. And I've been thrown in a river, so I don't really feel like talking about that particular thing right now.

Gifts

When SB and I visited Paris last May, we spent a while roaming around the Louvre. It was a hot day, and we had already been to the top of the Arc de Triomphe and had walked all the way down the Champs Elysees, past the Grand Palais and the Petit Palais, through Place de la Concorde, through the Jardins de Tuileries, only to end up at the Louvre for free entrance night. It was a lovely, lovely day, and would have been perfect but for my highly disappointing Merrell flats that gave me blisters all over.


Our evening at the Louvre was a timed event. We had a very limited amount of time to explore, a very diverse list of items to see, two feet nearing the status of "massacred" and a throng of enthusiastic tourists to maneuver through.

Obviously Eric's girlfriend La Jaconda was first on the list:
Then we hit up as much else as we could. I believe we were actually on the hunt for Venus de Milo, who was actually just alright, when we stumbled upon a most unexpected treasure.

This photo does not do her justice. Because when you first see her you are climbing a staircase, and she is placed in the middle of the landing, so it's like she's rising before you. I remember we both gasped. Her full name is Winged Victory of Samothrace, but they call her Nike. She is from Greece, and is over 2000 years old. They found her in pieces, many, many pieces, but they put her back together. She is strong, imperfect, bold, incomplete. I was so drawn to her, I didn't want to leave. I could have sat for hours admiring her.

For my birthday, SB gave me something extraordinary, without even really knowing. He found a foot tall reproduction of Nike. And while I know that she is special for both of us, since it was one of the most memorable, striking moments of our whole trip, I feel like it is so apt that when I am feeling so deconstructed and lost and broken that this is the gift he chose to give me.

Keeping on Keeping on

Thirty years and one week and things are still the same. But I think I am getting better at accepting the status quo. Either that or I've just been really busy.

Wedding planning is coming along swimmingly. While my mother was visiting recently I had my final dress fitting and am absolutely delighted with the whole thing. I feel like I will want to wear this dress once a week. I just love it so much.

We also finalized all of our honeymoon travel plans this week which is super exciting. I am starting to be more excited for our travels than for the wedding itself, mostly just because there is much less stress involved. SB had insisted we wait to book our flights for our January trip because Air Canada was having some union issues. We waited until he was comfortable, and lo and behold we saved $500! I'm so stoked!

This weekend we are heading to Burlington to see the Tragically Hip for the second time this summer. I'm really looking forward to it, not just for the concert, but to be going somewhere different and taking a weekend out of the city. I'm just hoping that for once the weather will cooperate.

On another year gone

Turning 30 is not doing much for my quality of life. In one way, the day-to-day way, I am completely indifferent. I don't feel 30, and I don't feel like "turning 30" is going to change anything in my daily life.

In another way, I feel heartbroken. Is this really what my life is? I feel so inadequate, so unaccomplished, and so useless. Like all this time has been wasted, and what's stopping me from wasting the next 30 years too?

I am happy to have people that I love, and who love me. I'm thankful for every single individual that I have met and what they have made me see in myself.

I am happy to have travelled, both alone and with SB. We have seen some pretty great things, and we plan on seeing many more as time allows.

I love my critters - even The Woodge - and am grateful that SB puts up with us. They make me smile every single day, and sometimes they make me laugh out loud.

But I am terrified to set goals anymore because I have failed so many times. I am tired of letting people down.

And on one hand I am desperate to get out of my day to day, doing a job that I shouldn't hate but that I do. And on the other hand I wonder why I can't just do the job and be happy. Billions of people do jobs that they hate, but they go home, and they make their life, and they are happy with it. Or they can sustain some kind of level of happiness. So is my job the problem, or is it just me? Which is it, and do I really want to find out? Because it's one thing to feel trapped in what you do but it's quite another to feel trapped in yourself.

I want to ignore this birthday. I want to ignore the passing of time. I want to ignore that I have fallen behind in so many ways and that I feel like I'll never catch up.

If these walls could talk

I have spent the last two days working on re-painting the bathroom from top to bottom. So far I have painted the ceiling and the trim, touched them up, and removed the tape. Also the walls are sanded and smoothed to the best of my abilities.

Note I said 'to the best of my abilities'.

The people who lived here before us were not handy people. This was evidenced on our first round of painting when we had to remove the gigantic wall anchors they used to hang EVERY SINGLE tiny picture in the whole apartment. Where a finishing nail would have been fine they used 1/2" plastic anchors which left 1/2" holes in the wall. Which then had to be patched, sanded, re-patched and resanded to even seem halfway smoothed out.

I learned three things from this:
1) if using an anchor, use the butterfly kind - the holes are much smaller.
2) or just use a finishing nail
3) the guy who lived here before us was a moron and I hate him.

In repainting the bathroom, I have discovered a whole new level of idiocy. Not only were there four more giant wall anchors in there, but at some point Mr. Fix-It did some spackling of his own to install a new light fixture, and also some super fantastic paint around the ceiling of the shower and toilet cubby. Result: FAIL!!!. There are ridges and chips all over the place. Sanding them down is impossible without stripping everything down to the gyprock. So, I've been sanding and patching and sanding and patching and cursing. The ceiling was the worst since I have to crane my neck in such a way that I feel I may pass out. I'm not even sure how the paint stayed up there when it was applied that thick, by the sheer will of gravity I would have thought it would have dripped off.

Because we have been tossing around the idea of a complete remodel in the next year or two I am more than hesitant to put in too much effort. Yes, I want it to look good, but I know that if I put in too much blood and sweat into it I will not feel like working quite so hard next time.

Tomorrow I will tape off to prime the walls, then paint, then a little caulking around the shower, then done. I have all fingers crossed that I will not find anymore handywork.

My short attention span, why I'm going straight to hell, and what's wrong with the youth today.

I get tired of things quickly.

That's a lie - I get tired of news stories quickly. Things happen every single second, but when something big happens, I get really really into it for about five minutes, and then very very annoyed when everyone keeps on it for another 5 days while I am so over it.

So, today, Michael Jackson died. My mother could attest to the fact that when I was four years old I was literally OBSESSED with him, but not 1983 him, I was obsessed with Little Michael, who was "Little Michael" many many years before I was four. But The Jackson 5's Greatest Hits was the first real tape that I owned, and I listened to it incessantly. I also vividly remember watching Thriller with my aunt and Uncle around the same time and not believing he was the same guy.

I had a Glove. I also had a pleather pant/jacket set.

So, back to today. He died. I haven't been a fan of his music for many many years. That is, I haven't liked his new stuff. I still like the old stuff. Anyway, so it was news, and then it was confirmed news, and now, four hours later, CNN just keep going ON and ON and ON. Really, enough already.

So, I'm watching Angels in America and drinking wine.

Also, I was on a discussion board before where people were insisting it was IMPOSSIBLE to explain to their children who Michael Jackson was because it was IMPOSSIBLE to point to any modern day celebs who could ever compare.

I not only beg to differ, but I outright protest this statement/inference. Because it is totally all relative. Our grandparents never thought anything could compare to the likes of Elvis, or the Beatles etc. Then came Madonna and MJ. And our grandparents thought they were crap and our parents disagreed. Now there is Justin and Britney, The Jonas Brothers, etc. The hype is still there. The only thing that remains to be seen is the staying power, and who will last. I think it is so ignorant to think that only YOUR generation has relevant musicians/artists/actors/writers. These things are fluid and evolve. I think the best thing to do is foster an appreciation in what came before, and not crap on what you don't get, or have the foresight to believe in.

I'm not saying that either JT or Britney are this generation's legacy, I'm just saying that we won't know for another 10-15 years. It could even be that slutty Cyrus girl.

I didn't plan on this much planning

We are in the thick of planning mode - I thought once we got the big things done it would be a piece of cake, except now it's all those little, silly things that we don't really care about but know we probably should put some effort into. It's kind of annoying, and I spend a lot of time googling and bookmarking. I fear I may soon break my google, that's how much I'm googling.

Last week we accomplished quite a bit, including booking our mini-honeymoon! We got a great deal, and we're going to VEGAS! Which in itself is extremly exciting, however I am starting to feel a bit of anxiety about how we are going to swing the wedding and all this travelling along with running the business.

After two years, we're finally starting to settle in.

In keeping with the "home improvement" theme, we made a few changes to our lighting situation over the weekend. SB switched out our dining room light fixture, and also put a dimmer switch in the bathroom.

Of course nothing is ever as easy as it should be - while the light fixture went up pretty much without incident, it was still pretty time consuming. So worth it, though, it looks fantastic and the light quality is much nicer. Before we had some harsh halogen lights, but now it feels so much warmer... I'm very happy with it, and also a bit surprised that the one living space in our house that is finally totally complete and updated is the one space we use the least. Oh well.

The bathroom dimmer was another story. SB has switched out many switches for dimmers, so it should have been a piece of cake, however the wiring in the switch box was a little muddled - there was already one light on a dimmer, plus the fan switch, plus the switch we were changing out. Since there were so many wires in there, I guess it was inevitable that something would get mixed up.

Anyway, at one point one switch turned on both lights, while the other one dimmed them, and also the electrical outlet (in a completely separate box) would only turn on when the switch was on. What should have been a 20 minute project turned into a three hour ordeal, during which I was relatively useless since I a)didn't see the dismantling of the wires, so had zero clue which belonged where and b) don't know anything about this kind of thing anyway. But, SB figured it all out in the end and now we have two dimmers in the bathroom. Hoping to switch out the light fixtures in there shortly as well.

All that to say, yesterday was pretty productive. Saturday we played tennis, and yesterday I was expectedly sore, but I am still sore today which is a bummer! Gaaah, and I thought I was taking it easy on Saturday, on purpose, to try and recover quickly. Oh well.

The bathroom I love to hate

Our bathroom has been seriously bothering me lately. Don't get me wrong - I love spending time in there, taking long baths while reading/watching TV/drinking copious amounts of wine/listening to the rock and the roll. However, our bathroom is inefficient and ugly, and it's making me crazy.

We have one of those gigantic triangle-shaped tubs. This is not necessary. All I need is a tub that is long enough that I don't have to bend my knees up, and deep enough that I'm covered by water. But our gigantic tub is much bigger than that, and takes up half the bathroom.

Our shower, on the other hand, is tiny. Just big enough for a person to fit in, and next to impossible to shave your legs in there unless you are part acrobat.

Then, there is our vanity, which is again, GIGANTIC and ugly. Beech colored wood cabinet, with an ugly faux finished looking laminate countertop. The counter is also much taller than it needs to be, which means we miss out on storage. There is also a GIGANTIC ugly mirror, that runs from the counter almost all the way to the ceiling, and spans the entire width of the vanity.

The tile in the bathroom is terra cotta, which means that our options for wall paint color are very limited. And I am NOT a fan of the mediterranean look, so painting the walls royal blue is NOT going to happen. Right now the walls are butter colored.

About the only thing that doesn't bother me about our bathroom is that our toilet has a little cubby-type area. Not closed in, mind you, but set back, between two walls. I like that.

So, I'm dying to redecorate. Even just a little bit. I'm thinking of removing the mirror and replacing with something littler, and painting. I've already torn out the god-awful wooden towel fixtures, and have chosen some steel ones that I like. But we need to paint before installing those. And we need to decide about a mirror before we can paint.

Right now I would kill to be able to afford to rip it all out, put in either ivory tile or slate grey, a narrow soaker tub, move the shower and make it bigger, put extra storage where the shower is, put in a white vanity, a new mirror, and paint the walls whatever color I want because the terra cotta would be gone.

But for now, what color would you paint the walls?

I always try to dream BIG

I had a dream that SB got me a Bernese Mountain Dog puppy for my birthday. I am turning 30, so it's a big one, which should call for a BIGTIME gift.... I'm not placing any bets on this one happening, but it would be the best gift ever. Even if we didn't get the pup right away - just the promise of the pup...

On another note, I am attempting to do this 30 Day Shred thing, and it's killing me. And I'm only on day 2. Of 30, in case you didn't catch that part. I'm already sick of Jillian Michaels and her squinty, squinty face. And also sick of my ass feeling like pulled taffy.

Jon and Kate

Anyone else feeling train-wreck syndrome when it comes to these two? I have always watched - even though I'm not partial to children I find that most of theirs are cute, and they do funny things. In seeing the two of them interacting you could tell that problems would eventually brew (I'm actually surprised they have lasted this long) and I'm kinda anxious to see if the whole thing was totally blown out of proportion for ratings reasons or if they have genuine problems.

The worst part about that whole thing is the whole reason I began watching was the kids, but now we are going to have to suffer through all this relationship stuff. Although I am interested to see how Jon reconciles his resentment for being in the spotlight with his wife's seemingly greedy and egomaniacal need to be famous.

Anyway, I'm watching the marathon that TLC has been running all weekend, and it's the episode where they got the puppies. I cried when the big mama dog was playing with the baby puppy at the breeder's.

So maybe you'll see more of me.

Hey there! ***waves*** I'm alive!

I don't know why I have such a hard time updating. Sometimes funny things happen, or sad things happen, or whatever, and in the moment I say "I should blog about that" but then I just update my facebook status and forget about it.

So, I am going to try to update here at least once a week. Even if there is NOTHING going on in my life. You will have to endure it. (or just not read, but pfft, like that's an option).

Let's begin, shall we?

Last Thursday was our 11th anniversary. I'm a bit bummed about it, because as of September, our count resets to 0, kinda. No one will ask how long we've been together, they will ask how long we've been married. However, I am pretty happy that our wedding day is different then our first dating anniversary, because that means TWO celebrations each year. Yay!

For our anniversary we celebrated by having dinner at the hotel where we are getting married. The restaurant is called Aix Cuisine du Terroir and it was AMAZING. They have a great prix fixe menu, and if it was BYOW I think I would beg to go once a week. For starters, SB had this smoked salmon concoction and I had bison tartar two ways (both ways were fanatastic). As mains, SB had a veal chop with blue cheese mashed potatoes and I had a sirloin topped with seared foie gras. It was so decadent and ridiculous. Then we had a nice cheese plate, and for dessert a skor tiramisu, which was a surprise for their menu, but super delicious. I have had to be extra good about food and exercise this week to make up for it, though!

This weekend we have a mad crazy schedule - tomorrow night I have a birthday dinner for my friend Christina, Saturday we have to attend a wake for SB's boss's father in law, Saturday night we have dinner to celebrate SB's brother birthday, and Sunday SB is helping his bestfriend move. Phewf. So, I'm extra glad that last weekend we got to spend loads of time together, just hanging out and shopping and MarioKarting.

Wedding planning is becoming a bit...stressful. I thought that if we got the big things taken care of that we would be able to relax a bit, but holy heck, all the little things are starting to make me crazy.

We still don't have a new puppy. Not that I'm in a hurry to get one, but people always ask me when they find out Gabby passed away. I'm not sure when we will both be ready - I feel like emotionally I would be ready now, but timing-wise probably not until at least next summer. SB isn't sure he will ever be ready. So we'll see.

That's all for now. **waves** See ya soon!

Feeling better, moving forward

Thanks to everyone who posted their condolences, both here and on facebook. If I forgot to thank you, I apologize, but your thoughts were really appreciated.

Our lives have settled into a new routine. Not much is different, because Gabby's routine was also Charlie's routine, and Charlie is still here. There are lots of little things that I miss, but every day is easier.

That being said, I still have a hard time looking at photos of her. So I soothe myself by watching videos of Bernese Mountain Dog puppies on youtube. It's boring as hell, but so effing cute.

Epitaph

Grief is big. It throws this blanket over everything and you could smother in it if you aren't tall enough.

I lost my dog this week. She died. We had to "Put her down". It was the "humane" thing to do. I was ready for it, had been preparing for years, but things are not so cut and dry as you wish they would be. Her life had become sad, mostly, with little moments of happiness. That's not a life, even though most of us live that every day. Life should be full of joy, especially when you are a dog and when things are going shitty you have no idea why.


Grief is full. A lot of people say they feel empty, but I feel full. I feel like at any moment my sorrow is going to burst me.

She would have been 15 next month. I have known her over half my life. We went to high school together, got two university degrees, endured many shitty schedules for many shitty jobs. She always looked to me like "what's next?" with a silly grin and lolling tongue. My favorite days were spent with her and SB curled up on the sofa. She tucked neatly behind my bent legs and would lay her chin on my hip.


Grief is joyful. Because thinking about the last few months of sadness and stress and patience, impatience, fear and frustration, I have been contrasting against all the years we had that were full of joy.

The older she got, the whiter her face. Her eyebrows became even more expressive, if that was possible, since you could really see them raise and lower in her interest and apathy. She did not have much apathy, until the end. She usually basked in any attention whatsoever, desperate for a pet or belly rub. Her favorite was ear scratches, and she would grunt and moan with her mouth cocked to the side in pleasure.
Grief is funny. Especially if you are me and you find humor in absurd and inappropriate things, even when you shouldn't.

When we brought Gabby to live with us at Bishop's, she had never lived with a boy, only girls. And girls are more docile, and more calm when they play with animals. The first thing SB wanted to do was wrestle with her, which he promptly did, which promptly terrified her and caused her to not eat for a week. She would take her toys or treats and hide them in the corner behind the bedroom door, pushing them in tight with her nose. This caused her to rub her nose against the carpet, making it burn and bleed. As she was relaxing from the sedative on Wednesday, I touched that spot on her nose, and it made me smile.
Grief is comforting. If we do not love, we do not feel loss in our hearts, where it counts. So to feel grief means you have loved big, and loved fully, and loved wholly.

She gave me a lot of happiness. I hope I did the same for her.