I think that I have found myself smack dab in the middle of my quarter life crisis, without even realizing that I had entered it. Now is the point in my life when I am supposed to be starting out on my career path, making my life happen and all that crap. I have a job, but I don't want to be doing that job forever. I don't want to do any job forever. I want to write - that's all. Having a job is distracting me from that goal, and it sucks. I thought that changing jobs would help make it happen - that my old job was so stressful and political and shitty that I was getting caught up in the bullshit, and thus not producing anything. During the time I had off between jobs, I did some work on a couple of projects, just getting all my ideas on paper (or at least into a Word document). Now that I've started my new job, I'm always tired, and stressed that I suck at it, and all I want to do is sleep.
I feel a lot of pressure, a lot of the time, to make money so we can get this house thing going and this wedding thing going. But I feel like I'm settling, and so can't be happy doing what I'm doing. I don't feel motivated, or excited about starting my life, I just feel pressure.
To me, pressure does not have that "get going to it" factor, the factor that makes some people who are under pressure kick into gear and start tearing through all the stuff they want to do. I don't have the factor, usually. I generally am an under-pressure cracker, and go into complete shut-down mode. And there is a difference between stress and pressure. I usually work well in stressful situations. But pressure is different. And I don't like it. Or at least, I don't respond well to it.
I thought I was through with all these angst issues when I made it through puberty. Part of me feels like I may be depressed, like needing medication depressed. Part of me feels that I just need to suck it up and quit whining about it.
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