Thursday, September 01, 2005

TLC is lessening my chances of procreating

It's my first day of pseudo-unemployment. It feels amazing! I had the best night's sleep I've had in months, without the aid of any sleep enducing medications whatsoever. As someone said to me as I was leaving work "No more headaches, or stomach problems - now you can get off the pills!". I think he was ready to stage an intervention.

The downside to being pseudo-unemployed and waiting for a Purolator pick-up is that all you can do is watch TV, and clean things. I hate cleaning, and that would be an absolute last resort for me. Besides, yesterday I did my laundry duties plus Sexy Boyfriend's dishes duties. I was exhausted!

So, daytime television. What can I say? Oprah and Dr. Phil dominate, and when you've seen one "My husband is cheating, please help me fix our marriage because now I'm pregnant" Dr. Phils, you've seen them all. And Oprah is in repeats, and I hate talk-show repeats. So, I get sucked in by TLC, namely, all those damn baby shows.

I have a love/hate relationship with babies. For the most part, babies make me uncomfortable. Like, when people say "Hey, hold my baby" I'm like "Ummmmm...." until they shove me in an armchair with pillows propped in weird places so there is no chance in hell I can actually break the baby, and thus no chance in hell that I can possibly escape the humiliation of holding the baby in my awkward, uncomfortable manner. Usually when people I know have babies, I just send something. I don't visit. And when people say "We should go visit that baby" I say "I'm sure they have their hands full enough with that baby, they don't need us around."

I can admit that babies are super-cute (usually) and they smell pretty good when they aren't crapping and puking all over themselves. And tiny babies who cry for food and dirty diapers, they don't bother me so much. But I hate when I'm out in public, minding my own business, and some person lets their baby cry and scream and tantrum all over the place like they aren't bothering anyone around them. People who choose not to have babies cause they think that the crying and screaming would drive them to drinking. Even Dr. Phil says "Anytime you go out in public with a child, you need to be ready to get out of there, and remove them from the situation, to teach them that this behavior will not be tolerated".

I have sought counselling about my aversion to babies with my friend Ems and her Sexy Boyfriend. They have two kids, who seem pretty normal to me. I babysat them once, on a brave day, and it went well. Anyway, Ems's Sexy Boyfriend said "You must be like me - I hate all other children, I only like my own."

With that in mind, I began preparing myself for the fact that in the future I might want a baby.

And then, I got sucked in by a TLC baby show.

There is nothing about the birthing process that makes me want to have a baby. Not even one thing. Not the cringing in pain, not the water breaking, not screaming, not the ice chips (what do these do/help, really?), not the breachness of babies, not the C-section possibility, not the cord cutting, nothing. Why do they put these shows on TV? Are they trying to control the population by scaring the crap out of all the non-parents in the world?

Then, on a new show they have that shows parents in the first couple of months after they have the baby at home, these two people were changing their baby, but instead of leaving her laying down on the changing pad, they picked up that half naked little baby for some reason, and then that half-naked little baby spurted out diarrhea all over her mom's arm. I gag when I change the litterbox!!!! How could I ever deal with crap all over my arm? And I've smelled baby crap. People lie when they say it doesn't stink. They lie like rugs. I would puke all over that baby.

So, all of this to say, for those of you who are rooting for me and Sexy Boyfriend to have a baby ever, until I am either a) working every day during the week, b)have plenty of movies to have on the TV while I'm home during the week or c) no longer have TLC, you will be hard-pressed to convince me that babies are a good idea.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

LOL...I agree! The birthing process really scares me and i don't enjoy the baby poop. I really want to be pregnant though. Besides Britney Spears, pregnant women are so beautiful.